


Dickheads Anonymous

by MaraudingManaged, shootingdaggers



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alt-format, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Bisexual Sirius Black, English University, Eventual Jily - Freeform, Eventual Wolfstar - Freeform, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gay Remus Lupin, Gratuitous use of the C bomb, Humour, M/M, Mentions homophobia, Muggle Technology, Not Serious, Peter is good in this fic, Remus has migraines, Rugby, Sweary as fuck, Texting, at all, mentions ableism, mentions racism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-05-09 02:46:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaraudingManaged/pseuds/MaraudingManaged, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shootingdaggers/pseuds/shootingdaggers
Summary: Fresh out of Hogwarts Grammar, Remus, Peter, James and Sirius embark for university. The tales of their first year are told through a series of messages including drunken nights out, pranks, misadventures and eventual romances... and a lot of bad, bad ideas.*Sporadic updates, NOT abandoned*





	1. Romulus, PewPew, Fido and Jamjar

__

 

 

_PewPew has renamed the group “Dickheads Anonymous”_

  


**PewPew**

Yo  
Seriously  
Fuck u all  
(15:32)

 

 **Fido  
** U rang?  
(15:35)

 

 **PewPew  
** Fuckoff Sirius  
U r such a fuckin wanker  
(15:36)

 **  
Jamjar  
** GASP  
The mouth on you, Peter!  
(15:37)

 

 **Fido  
** IKR?  
Clutching my pearls  
(15:37)

   
**Romulus  
** Your mother would be so proud  
What’s up Pete?  
(15:38)

 

 **PewPew  
** Dont u fuckin start  
U must have known  
Or coverd for that twat  
Dont get sly on me u dipshit  
(15:41)

 

 **Fido  
** Known what  
KNOWN WHAT PETEY BOY?  
(15:42)

 

 **PewPew  
** O rite  
So my bed  
And all my shit  
Just happens to have found its way in2 the fuckin kitchen by itself has it?  
Arranged 2 look like my room  
(15:45)

 

 **Jamjar  
** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
Please  
Please say there are pictures  
(15:46)

 

 **PewPew  
** No  
No fuckin pictures of this shit  
But u can GET BACK TO THE BLOK AND HELP ME MOVE IT BACK U CUNTS  
(15:47)

 

 **Fido  
** No can do, mate, we’ve got rugby  
Then we’re off the union for drink the bar dry  
U coming Jamie, Rem?  
(15:50)

 

 **Romulus  
** Yep  
(15:51)

 

 **Jamjar  
** With bells on, my dude  
Soz Petey  
(15:51)

 

 **PewPew  
** YOU CAN ALL SUK MY FUCKIN DICK  
LOCK UR FUCKIN DOORS TITE  
(15:52)

 

_PewPew has left the chat_

  


**Fido  
** Own up, which one did it  
Cuz it wasn’t me for once  
(15:55)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Not guilty, ur honour  
But it’s shitting priceless, wish I had  
(15:58)

 

**Romulus**

****

That, my friends, is how you spend your free day  
when your seminars are cancelled  
Not the final version btw. Bedspread and room decks were added after  
Had to go quick tho  
(16:00)

 

 **Fido  
** Remus?  
(16:01)

 

 **Romulus  
**...Sirius?  
(16:01)

 

 **Fido  
** Marry me  
I’ll be the best husband  
I’ll keep u warm  
Look after the house  
(16:03)

 

 **Romulus  
** Shut up Sirius  
You can’t even work a washing machine  
(16:04)

 

 **Fido  
** Would learn to  
For u  
(16:05)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I think  
I’m d y in g  
YOU EVEN MOVED THE WARDROBE HOW DID U EVEN  
I actually need to see the finished product for myself BRB  
(16:06)

 

 **Romulus  
** Brute strength, force of will  
And tbf, Fabian and Gideon thought it was funny as shit  
I owe them a pint or like, seven  
Or a blowjob who fucking knows at this point  
(16:09)

 

 **Fido  
** They can fucking drink seven  
And soz mate, shit out of luck, they’re both straight  
Can’t prostitute urself for pranks this time  
Cash moneys for yoooooou  
Gotta dig into that student loan  
(16:13)

 

 **Romulus  
** Ballsack  
(16:13)

 

 **Fido  
** Nah  
Still straight  
RIP ur sexlife  
(16:14)

 

 **Romulus  
** You know this how, anyway?  
(16:15)

 

 **Fido  
** A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell ;)  
(16:15)

 

 **Romulus  
** You wouldn’t know a gentleman if he came up to you  
In a tea cosy  
Doing the Macarena  
(16:17)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Oh  
My GOD  
HE HAS FLOWERS  
IN A MILKBOTTLE VASE  
LIKE A HIPSTER  
Hel p m e  
(16:19)

 

* * *

X*X

* * *

 

_PewPew has been added to the chat “Dickheads Anonymous” by Romulus_

 

 **PewPew  
** Oi  
Where the fuck r u lot?  
Its like 1am  
(1:07)

 

 **Fido  
** PETAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY SU SU SU SU SU  
(1:09)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Peter, I LOVE UR FLOWERS  
Will u make me a boket  
Boquett  
BOUQUET  
When I walk down the ile with my love  
(1:10)

 

 **Romulus  
** Jesus  
Fucking  
Wept  
(1:11)

 

 **Fido  
** UR LOVE  
BURNS LIKEA FLAME  
OR LIKE THE JAGER ON YR SHIRTTTT  
(1:13)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Hoe hve i livd withouwt her?  
(1:14)

 

 **Romulus  
** She threw a Jagerbomb over you  
I’m pretty sure she’s happy to keep on living without you  
Do you even know her name?  
(1:16)

 

 **Fido  
** NMAES DONT MATTER  
(1:17)

 

 **Romulus  
** They do  
They really do  
What are you going to do if you see her again?  
Call her ‘Jagerbomb girl?’  
(1:20)

 

 **PewPew  
** Wtf is even goin on  
Hw the fuk do u end up coverd in jager  
(1:20)

 

 **Jamjar  
** THRU ETERNAL LOVE  
I FND A LOVE  
FOOOOOOOOR MEEEE  
(1:21)

 

 **Romulus  
** I cannot even deal with this shit you losers  
I am too fucking drunk  
Get yourselves home  
(1:23)

 

 **Fido  
** REMEY  
NO  
STAY  
(1:24)

 

 **Romulus  
** I’m not a dog  
Don’t project  
(1:25)

 

 **Fido  
** COMING TO FIND U  
STAY  
(1:26)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Staaaay  
I love u remus  
Staaaytt  
(1:26)

 

 **Romulus  
** I love you dickheads too  
But I’m gonna end up with a migraine the size of England if I don’t go the fuck to bed  
(1:27)

 

 **PewPew  
** No ur not  
Ur gonna hep me move my bed out th fukin kitchen  
(1:28)

 

 **Romulus  
** No i’m really, really not  
Unless you want me to throw up on it  
(1:29)

 

 **Fido  
** HAHAHAHAHA SUKS 2 B U PETEY  
(1:30)

 

 **Fido  
** REMUS  
WHERE U GON?  
(1:42)

 

 **Jamjar  
** SIRIUS  
COM GET SHOTA  
Omg thes a girl who sez theres a rave in the woods  
(1:43)

 

 **Fido  
** ITS A RAVE DAVE  
WHOS THE GIRL IS SHE FIT  
(1:44)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Idk not jagerbomg firl tho  
So not love  
Whos dave?  
(1:45)

 

* * *

 X*X

* * *

 

**PewPew  
** GOOD MORNING  
HOPE YOURE ALL FEELIN FRESH AS A DAISY  
(7:30)

 

 **Fido  
** Go  
Fuck  
Yourself  
With  
A  
Cactus  
(7:32)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Pete I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end u  
(7:33)

 

 **PewPew  
** Firefly, niiiiice  
Fuckin NERD  
Njoy ur hangovers, dickheads  
Hope they suk real, real bad  
Hangin out ur arses for days  
(7:35)

 

 **Fido  
** My foot will be hanging out your arse  
If u do not let me go back to sleep  
Got 2 hrs of Lit later to crawl thru can't be dealing with your bullshit  
(7:36)

 

 **PewPew  
** Alrite, princess  
:)  
Sweet dreeams  
(7:37)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Both of you  
DIE  
(7:39)

 

 **Fido  
** Guys  
Anyone heard from Remus?  
Did he get home okay?  
I’m dying in lecture and he’s not here to share my misery  
(11:23)

 

 **PewPew  
** Yea  
Well I saw him  
Flipped me off and faceplanted his door before goin to bed  
But he got in  
(11:29)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Not seen him  
In seminar, can’t check  
Pete, u in the block?  
(11:31)

 

 **PewPew  
** Yea, for another 15 mins  
Then gotta hed 2 business  
Ill check  
(11:32)

 

 **Fido  
** Let us know Pete  
(11:33)

 

 **PewPew  
** Found him  
On floor of loos  
(11:49)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Hangover?  
(11:49)

 

 **PewPew  
** Nah, migraine  
Bad 1  
(11:50)

 

 **Fido  
** Shit  
Need a hand?  
I’ll skip last half of lecture  
It’s a bullshit one anyway, he’s gonna put it on WebCT  
(11:51)

 

 **PewPew  
** Is ok  
Hes in bed now  
Lost mvt in his right side again, lost vision  
I got his meds down him  
All he can do is sleep it off anyway  
(11:52)

 

 **Jamjar  
** You’re such a good egg Pete  
(11:53)

 

 **PewPew  
** I no  
U gonna help me move my bed now?  
(11:54)

 

 **Fido  
** Fucking no chance  
I’m too pretty for manual labour  
(11:55)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Would love to, but washing my hair  
And finding jagerbomb girl  
(11:56)

 

 **Fido  
** OMFG  
Jagerbomb girl!!!!!  
(11:56)

 

 **PewPew  
** Bunch of arseholes  
Hope she tells u to fuck urself sideways if u c her agen  
(11:57)

 

 

 

* * *

X*X

* * *

 

 

_Conversation between Fido and Romulus_

 

 **Fido  
** Hey Rem, how you doing?  
(15:49)

 

 **Romulus  
** Death please  
(16:01)

 

 **Fido  
** :/  
Anything I can do?  
Apart from bugger off, I mean?  
(16:04)

 

 **Romulus  
** Nah, I’m ok  
Stopped throwing up in my sink and can see again  
So that’s a bonus  
(16:10)

 

 **Fido  
** Want me to come hug?  
James is out running and I find myself without hugging partners  
And obvs I’m a professional hugger  
(16:12)

 

 **Romulus  
** You know what?  
Yes please  
Quietly, you twat, I can hear you coming from here!  
(16:19)

 

 **Fido  
** Rude ;)  
(16:20)

 

 **Romulus  
** NOT WHAT I…  
Fucks sake  
Wait  
You don’t have aftershave or any of that on, do you?  
(16:21)

 

 **Fido  
** Remus  
How long have we been friends?  
You know me better than that :)  
NOW THEN  
Incoming dogstar in 5… 4… 3… 2…  
(16:22)

  


* * *

X*X

* * *

 

  


**Jamjar  
** I HAVE FOUND JAGERBOMB GIRL  
I think  
(20:12)

 

 **Romulus  
** Fucking hell fire  
I was asleep you dick  
(20:13)

 

 **Fido  
** LOL  
Soz not you Rem  
I forgot about her  
Does your shirt still smell of aniseed?  
(20:14)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I’m never gonna wash it Siri  
Anyway  
I was on my run and I was going past the labs because they’re on my route  
She takes chemistry  
(20:15)

 

 **PewPew  
** Out of ur leage then, ye?  
(20:15)

 

 **Romulus  
** League*  
(20:15)

 

 **PewPew  
** Fuck urself, Wolf McWolf  
How did u even end up w jager thown over u?  
(20:16)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I told her she had pretty hair I think?  
And that she had smashing tits, possibly.  
(20:16)  
  


**Fido  
** No you deffo did  
And then proposed said tits  
(20:17)

 

 **PewPew  
** Thick twat  
Deserved that then  
(20:17)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Fuck yourself, Pete  
But you’ll never guess who she knows  
(20:17)

 

 **Fido  
** Say it ain’t so  
(20:18)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Oh  
BUT IT IS SO  
(20:18)

 

 **Fido  
** LET US BE BLESSED  
Our dear man-child?  
(20:19)

 

 **Romulus  
** He who hath never seen a shower?  
(20:20)

 

 **PewPew  
** Wait wot?  
Ur mistery drink chucker  
Knows  
SNIVELLY?  
(20:21)

 

 **Jamjar  
** OH YES SHE DOES!  
(20:21)

 

 **Fido  
** Gentlemen  
Marauders  
We thought our time had ended  
(20:22)

 

 **Romulus  
** Oh, fuck my absolute LIFE  
This is not how you endear yourself to women, James  
(20:24)

 

 **PewPew  
** Like ud know  
(20:25)

 

 **Fido  
** OUCH, SAVAGE  
(20:25)

 

 **PewPew  
** Y thank u  
(20:25)

 

 **Romulus  
** THE SAME PRINCIPLE APPLIES TO BLOKES arseholes  
(20:26)

 

 **Fido  
** U might wanna think about how you punctuate that sentence  
(20:27)

 

 **Jamjar  
** WHEEZING  
LOLOLOL  
Know a lot about blokes arseholes do you, Rem?  
(20:29)

 

 **Romulus  
** Want me to show you how much I know Jamie?  
Because you’re not going to get any action from jagerbomb girl, that’s for certain  
(20:30)

 

 **Fido  
** REMUS  
DO U KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?  
(20:31)

 

 **Romulus  
** Brush my teeth first, obviously  
Want a go too, Siri?  
(20:32)

 

 **Fido  
** U know where to find me  
;)  
LOVESHACK, BAAAABYYYYYY  
(20:33)

 

 **PewPew  
** JESUS H FUCKIN CHRIST  
(20:33)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I’m with Pete on this one  
You know shit about women  
(20:34)

 

 **Romulus  
** Don’t come crying when it inevitably goes terribly wrong  
(20:35)

 

 **Fido  
** Ye of little faith, Rem  
Now  
How can we find out where the greasebot lives?  
(20:37)

 

 **Romulus  
** … Sirius, the housing admin guy is into brunets  
Just saying.  
(20:39)

 

 **Jamjar  
** This is more like it, lads  
(20:40)

 

 **Fido  
** Reckon he’ll be into leather, or suits?  
That you even know this is concerning, btw  
(20:42)

 

 **Romulus  
** ALWAYS LEATHER  
(20:42)

 

 **Jamjar  
** LEATHER  
(20:42)

 

 **PewPew  
** LEATER  
(20:42)

 

 **Fido  
** Leather it is then  
(20:43)

 

 **Romulus  
** It’s good to have friends in student accommodation  
Esp when one has a registered disability :D  
You’ll love it when I get to stay on campus next year and can make sure you lot do too  
Rather than shelling out stupid money for private housing  
(20:45)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Suckup  
(20:46)

 

 **PewPew  
** Tart  
(20:46)

 

 **Fido  
** Poor, broken-brained Remuuuuuuu  
(20:47)

 

 **Romulus  
** Suck my dick  
(20:48)

 

 **Fido  
** Promises, promises, Rem  
(20:50)

 

* * *

X*X

* * *

 

 

_Conversation between Jamjar and PewPew_

  


**PewPew  
** Part of me wishs them 2 wud just shag nd get it over with  
(20:59)

 

 **Jamjar  
** And the other part?  
(21:03)

 

 **PewPew  
** Cant b arsed with the fuckin drama  
(21:03)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Can you imagine tho  
Sirius and Remus  
(21:04)

 

 **PewPew  
** Ye  
Thats the problem innit  
(21:05)

  


**Jamjar  
** I can’t decide if I’m disgusted  
Or amused tbh  
(21:07)

 

 **PewPew  
** Dont be a homophobic shit  
Jus cos its Siri n Rem  
(21:07)

 

 **Jamjar  
** SHIT NO  
I mean  
Cus Siri’s my brother for all intents and purposes  
It’s like thinking about my brothers shagging  
I don’t even need that in my brain  
(21:10)

 

 **PewPew  
** Tenner bet says it happen b4 end of the year  
(21:11)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Gross, Pete  
I’ll take that bet and say it’ll be before…  
Easter  
Cus you’re right as well, you sneaky little shitbag  
(21:14)

 

 **PewPew  
** Y thank u  
U think easter, I think summer  
We will c  
We will c  
(21:15)


	2. Operation: Dungeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Including the first mission, Fluffy, Remus in a tizz, and an Unknown Number

__

 

  

_Jamjar has changed the group image  
_

__

 

 **Jamjar**  
Omg Sirius  
The class  
The GRACE  
(14:17)

 

 **PewPew**  
Sw4ar to fuck u sashayed out  
U bin watchin drag race  
BTW fuk u james with that picture  
(14:19)

 

 **Fido  
** FUCKING SUCK IT  
(14:19)

 

 **Romulus**  
Think you managed THAT just fine  
(14:20)

 

 **Fido**  
Aw Rem, u jealous?  
(14:21)

 

 **Romulus**  
Jealous?  
Sirius  
Why would I be jealous  
(14:23)

 

 **Fido**  
Soouuuunnnds like u r  
Not my fault he found leather attractive  
Which u all suggested BTW  
(14:24)

 

 **Romulus** **  
** Of the way he was fishing for your fucking tonsils like a claw machine at Blackpool  
AKA poor success rate, terrible aim, and too fucking grabby  
And could hear your jacket squeaking every time he lurched against you?  
Nahhhhhhhhh  
(14:27)

 

 **PewPew  
  
** (14:28)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** LOL  
leaving your sexually charged “non-jealous" domestic aside  
AKA, Remus, HAVE IT IN UR OWN CHAT NOT HERE  
(14:29)

 

 **Romulus** **  
** Fine by me  
Because there is SHIT to be jealous about  
(14:29)

 

 **Fido  
** Fucking sure, James  
Whatever u say  
(14:30)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Whatever, deal with that in ur own time  
Did u get the info  
(14:30)

 

 **Fido  
** James  
I did so, so much more than that  
I not only know where he lives…  
(13:32)

  
  
**Fido**  
But I have his mobile number  
(14:33)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** SIRIUS  
I FORGIVE YOUR AWFUL SNOGGING DISPLAY  
I WILL BUY YOU ALL THR PINTS  
(14:34)

 

 **Fido** **  
** You better  
He needed to discover a toothbrush  
Need beer to wash it away  
(14:35)

 

 **Romulus** **  
** So do we  
(14:36)

 

 **PewPew** **  
** Dont fukin start rmus  
(14:37)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Remus do not, fgs  
(14:37)

 

 **Fido** **  
** IT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA  
(14:38)

 

_Romulus has left the group_

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** JFC  
Right  
I’m gonna put this info to good use  
Someone talk to Remus  
We need him on board for stage 2 and I cba with him having a bitchfit  
(14:40)

 

 **PewPew** **  
** Want me do it?  
(14:41)

 

 **Fido** **  
** Nah i’ll go  
Find out what’s crawled up his arse and died  
Wish me luck comrades  
(14:42)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Godspeed, brother  
(14:42)

 

 **PewPew** **  
** GL mate  
Ill listn 4 screams  
Rescu if needed  
(14:43)

 

* * *

X*X

* * *

 

 

_Conversation between Jamjar and Unknown Number_

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** I can’t help but notice how particularly… shiny your hair is looking these days  
Are you doing something new? Some new product?  
I’d love to try it. Apparently the look is working for you  
(15:01)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** Wtaf  
who is this  
how did u get this num  
(15:07)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Techy, techy  
Details not important  
I’m just asking about a certain individual I think you might know  
Has red hair, about 5’7, a bit of a temperament?  
Also, come on. I need to know the haircare routine!  
(15:10)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** That certain individual’s details aren’t up for discussion  
Which one ru  
Lanky, speccy, unwashed or dwarf  
(15:13)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Well isn’t THAT rude  
I’m sure those individuals, whomever they may be, would be insulted  
But... UNWASHED? Really? R E A L L Y  
(15:15)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** Fuck off Sirius  
I’m not talking to u  
(15:16)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Ooooh  
Close, but no cigar, my friend  
Come the fuck on now  
I’m trying, very nicely here, to be polite  
I’m asking for her name, that’s it  
Her number at a push  
But all I’d like is her name at this point  
(15:19)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** Alright speccy  
I can see ur genuine in ur adoration and affection for my dear friend  
Coz clearly the second a girl tips a drink over ur dumb arse  
She’s in love w u or some shit  
That, to u, is flirting 101  
So I will give u her name  
(15:22)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** WELL DONE, 10 POINTS TO SLYTHERIN  
Back at Hogwarts Grammar are we?  
First of all, fuck you, I was NICE to you  
Call me speccy all you like, I rock these frames  
Second of all  
THANK YOU  
Speaking to you is a fucking challenge in and of itself  
So if that doesn’t show dedication to the cause  
What fucking will  
I can apologise for being a drunken cunt because I barely fucking remember that night  
And if so happens she might go out for a coffee with me, then win-win  
So there you go, cram that up your overgreased arse  
(15:25)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** Wow  
Let it be known Potter is a fucking charmer  
Women throw their knickers at his behest.  
“Drown me” he decrees  
And fourteen pairs of underwear and sixteen jagerbombs hurl through the air  
Actually 2nd guessing the flirting  
Uve spilled lager over me more times than i can count u cunt  
So i sincerely hope that isn't ur form of flirtation  
Anyway  
Her name. U got a pen? This is complicated spelling now  
(15:28)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Snape, oh Snape, don’t you know?  
I’ve been in love with you for years  
I’ve been dying for you to notice me, and only the medium of lager would do  
No  
Wait  
I’ve just been waiting for you to fuck off to whatever hole you’ve crawled out of  
And I was hoping that weak as piss shit you call beer would drown you as you went  
8 A*s and 4 As at GCSE, and 5 A’s at A Level. Fucking suck my dick  
Name please    
(15:31)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** *insult insult insult insult* Name please  
There’s a joke about the hole and ur mum u know but I’ll let that slide  
She says hi btw  
Also I’ll pass on sucking ur dick, since it’s so difficult to get Sirius off it  
Her name is  
N  
U  
N  
Y  
A  
B  
U  
S  
I  
N  
E  
S  
S  
(15:35)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** That’s fine  
Totally fine  
I’ll remind you that you started it with the insults  
And believe me  
I’ll find out her name one way or another  
Even if it’s just to apologise for being a drunken lout  
You, however?  
You’ll never stop being a snivelling, spiteful little twat  
Nice to know that you never, ever change, mate  
(15:36)

 

 **UNKNOWN** **  
** Aw, Potter  
Dont be sad  
At least u have ur GCSE and A level grades to keep u warm at night  
I, on the other hand, have a date to actually drink jagerbombs with Nunya  
So off you fuck, now.  
(15:37)

 

_Unknown Number contact changed to L’Oreal_

 

* * *

X*X

* * *

 

_Romulus has been added to the group by Fido_

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Right  
Marauders, are we prepared?  
I AM SO, SO READY  
(7:22)

 

 **Romulus** **  
** I have  
SO MANY boxes of post-it notes  
(7:23)

 

 **Fido** **  
** Where tf did u even get them all from  
(7:23)

 

 **Romulus** **  
** Amazon Prime student discount  
Not just for books, Sirius  
Not that you’d know what those mythical creatures look like  
(7:24)

 

 **Fido**  
Har fucking har - suck on this FROM MEMORY:  
Let me not to the marriage of true minds  
Admit impediments. Love is not love  
Which alters when it alteration finds,  
Or bends with the remover to remove.  
O no! It is an ever-fixed mark  
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,  
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.  
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;  
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  
If this be error and upon me prov’d,  
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.  
(7:26)

 

 **Romulus**  
You had to learn that for A level  
IT DOESNT COUNT!  
(7:27)

 

 **PewPew  
** Fuk poems  
I have this fukin squirrel  
I think is gonna have a heartattak  
(7:28)

 

 **Fido** **  
** Nah  
Give it some water and some lettuce or smthin  
It’ll be fine  
(7:29)

 

 **PewPew** **  
** BCUS U KNO SO MUCH ABT ANIMALS  
HAMSTER KILLER  
(7:29)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Gentlemen, gentlemen  
You are losing focus  
Pete, you’re on lookout. As soon as he leaves his block, let us know  
(7:32)

 

 **PewPew** **  
** Aye-aye, Captain Tightpants  
(7:33)

 

 **Jamjar** **  
** Fuckoff  
My arse is shapely  
Remus, be ready to run in with post-its. R they all unwrapped already?  
(7:34)

 

 **Fido** **  
** They fuckin better be  
We spent all night doing it  
My papercuts have papercuts  
(7:36)

 

 **Romulus** **  
** Seconded. My hands HURT  
But yes, all unwrapped. No plastic in sight.  
Also have a crapload blu-tak in case they fall off  
(7:37)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I like your thinking  
Ok. So  
As soon as he leaves his block, Pete, stick a rock in the door to jam it  
Then text the signal  
(7:38)

 

 **Fido  
** Then I shall go in, pick the door lock, and Rem will bolt in with Jamie  
And we post-it the fuck out of every surface  
Pete keeps watch for Sniv  
And we text him when to run in with Fluffy, swapping places, before I lock up behind us  
And allow fluffy to wreak sweet, sweet havoc  
WE KNOW  
WE HAVE HEARD THE SPEECH 100000000 TIMES FOR THE LAST 3 DAYS  
(7:43)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Have you practiced picking?  
(7:44)

 

 **Fido  
** Do i look like a twatting amateur to u?  
YES for the record  
Theyre dead easy to pick any half decent tit can do it. No deadbolt  
(7:46)

 

 **PewPew  
** James wud no abt half decent tits  
(7:47)

 

 **Fido  
** LOW BLOW, Petey  
(7:47)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I AM OFFENDED  
(7:48)

 

 **Romulus  
** Literally no one cares James  
I personally want to know how you caught Fluffy  
(7:50)

 

 **PewPew  
** Skill  
Or u kno  
A shoebox, plate of nibbles, piece of string and twig basicly  
And patience  
LOTS OF PATENCE  
(7:52)

 

 **Fido  
** I applaud u, Petey  
Capturer of Fluffy  
(7:53)

 

_Jamjar has renamed the group “Operation: Dungeon”_

 

 **Jamjar  
** RIGHT  
Enough of that  
Ready to move out?  
GO  
GO  
GO!  
(7:55)

 

 **PewPew  
** THE BAT HAS LEFT THE DUNGEON  
I REPEAT  
THE BAT HAS LEFT THE DUNGEON  
(8:45)

 

 **PewPew  
** Rock is in positon  
U r clear 2 move, Smith  
(8:46)

 

 **Fido  
** Copy that, Vision  
(8:47)

 

 **PewPew  
** Smith is in the building  
(8:49)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Received, Vision  
(8:49)

 

 **Romulus  
** Awaiting further instruction, Vision  
(8:49)

 

 **Fido  
** The dungeon is open  
Repeat  
The dungeon is open and secured  
(9:01)

 

 **PewPew  
** Area is clear  
Sticky, Tightpants, u r clear 2 proceed  
(9:02)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Received Vision. Tightpants proceeding  
(9:03)

 

 **Romulus  
** Received, Vision. Sticky proceeding.  
(9:03)

 

 **Fido  
** Sticky and Tightpants have entered the dungeon  
Area is clear, dungeon has been shut to prevent detection  
(9:05)

 

 **PewPew  
** Received  
Remaining clear  
Await furthr instructins  
(9:05)

 

 **PewPew  
** This is ur 15 minit update  
Area remains clear  
)9:20)

 

 **Fido  
** Received, Vision  
Dungeon remains clear  
No disturbances  
(9:20)

 

 **PewPew  
** Undrstood, Smith  
(9:21)

 

 **PewPew  
** Tightpants, do u copy?  
Checkin plz  
We r reaching halfway mark  
(9:31)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Understood, Vision.  
Working as fast as possible.  
Are you able to cause distraction if necessary?  
(9:32)

 

 **PewPew  
** Copy that, Tightpants  
Distractions redy and awaitin detonation  
(9:33)

 

 **Romulus  
** Three walls covered, bed, desk - completed.  
Fourth wall, wardrobe and window yet to be done.  
(9:34)

 

 **PewPew  
** Receivd  
Will u be masking door n floor?  
(9:34)

 

 **Fido  
** Timing possibly prevents on this occasion  
Keep us updated, Vision  
Will try  
(9:35)

 

 **PewPew  
** Understd, Smith  
Will keep watch  
(9:35)

 

 **Fido  
** Updates, Vision?  
(9:45)

 

 **PewPew  
** All clear Smith  
(9:45)

 

 **Fido  
** Received, Vision, with thanks  
(9:46)

 

 **PewPew  
** We reach hr in 5 mins  
Status update asap, team  
(9:55)

 

 **Fido  
** Window not done, Vision  
Sending Sticky  
Bring Fluffy as soon as he arrives at your position  
(9:56)

 

 **PewPew  
** Receivd, Smith  
Waitin on Sticky  
(9:56)

 

 **Romulus  
** Vision and Fluffy are go  
Area is clear for now  
Distractions are prepared for detonation if required  
(9:57)

 

 **Fido  
** Vision and Fluffy have entered the dungeon  
Window complete  
Performing final checks  
(9:59)

 

 **Romulus  
** Received and understood  
Area remains clear of the Bat, but other parties are incoming  
Risk of discovery is increasing  
(10:00)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Understood, Sticky  
Photographic evidence is being procured  
Searching room for details of JBG  
(10:01)

 

 **Romulus  
** Abort, Tightpants, that is not the mission  
There will be other times  
(10:02)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Respectfully decline your request  
(10:02)

 

 **Romulus  
** ABORT, TIGHTPANTS  
(10:03)

 

 **Fido  
** Tightpants has been forced to abort  
He will be on your position with remaining post-its to discard  
(10:04)

 

 **Romulus  
** Tightpants received, Smith  
Many thanks  
(10:05)

 

 **Romulus  
** THE BAT HAS BEEN SIGHTED  
REPEAT  
THE BAT HAS BEEN SIGHTED  
EVACUATE THE DUNGEON  
(10:10)

 

 **Fido  
** EVACUATING THE DUNGEON  
FLUFFY HAS BEEN RELEASED  
(10:10)

 

 **PewPew  
** On ur positin Tightpants n Sticky  
Detonate  
Detonate  
Detonate  
(10:11)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Detonation is go  
Fireworks are louder than anticipated  
stay back Sticky and Vision  
(10:11)

 

 **Fido  
** Dungeon is sealed  
Evacuated through alternative exit  
Will see you at base  
(10:13)

 

 **Romulus  
** Received, Smith  
Job well done, Marauders  
(10:14)

 

* * *

X*X

* * *

 

_Conversation between Jamjar and L’Oreal_

 

 **L’Oreal  
** What the actual fuck  
What have u done  
POTTER  
(11:19)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Morning Severus  
Lovely day, don’t you think?  
Sun’s shining, birds are singing  
Think I even heard some fireworks earlier… bit early for bonfire night tho  
(11:22)

 

 **L’Oreal  
** Don’t play innocent w me u dumb twat  
I know it was u and ur cronies  
I’m reporting yuiou to the authorwerites!  
I HAVE TO GET TETANUS BECAUSE OF U  
(11:23)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Oh goodness  
Sounds like you’ve had a bit of a rough one  
Don’t worry, it’s just a tiny prick… you’d know all abt that tho wouldn’t you?  
I didn’t realise tho  
That there was CCTV in halls  
O wait  
There isn’t  
So whatever’s happened, you might struggle to prove it  
So stop with ur silly little grudge against me, mate  
It’s petty AF  
I’ve done jack shit  
(11:25)

 

 **L’Oreal  
** I will prove it was u  
Don’t think I wont  
Jack shit, uve done enough since secondary school u bellend  
Keep a close eye on ur drinks potter  
Wouldn’t want them unattended  
Squirrels might piss in them  
(11:27)

 

 **Jamjar  
** OMFG  
You got bit by a squirrel  
FUCKING LOL, best thing I’ve heard all day  
I’ll go to lecture with a smile on my face  
And there’s nothing to prove so good fucking luck  
Anyway  
My drinks don’t last long enough to leave them unattended  
What do you do  
Nurse that shit you pretend to call beer all night?  
U do know you’re meant to drink it, not cuddle it  
Only physical affection ur gonna get tho, isn’t it  
Now, off u trot to the GP  
Gotta go have your tetanus  
Might become a weresquirrel  
(11:30)

 

 **L’Oreal  
** People saw your dwarf hanging around the rooms, genius  
And we all know how loose lipped that one is  
(11:31)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I’m not his fucking keeper  
He might have a GF or some shit  
Or tbf he could have set the fireworks off, it’s his kinda gig  
But one thing u don’t question about me n my mates  
Is our loyalty  
Only thing ur loyal to is ur right hand  
So do urself a favour and get the fuck over grammar school  
Because  
And I FUCKING REPEAT  
Prove I’ve done SHIT to you  
U can’t  
End of :)  
(11:34)

 

 **L’Oreal  
** You’re making a stunning case for urself  
I’ll be sure to show my little friend this conversation  
Good luck convincing her of ur ‘charms’ sleazebag  
(11:35)

 

 **Jamjar  
** I’m not even gonna dignify that shit play  
Because that’s what it is  
A PLAY  
I’ve done nothing  
Someone’s clearly seen u for what u are  
Here’s a tip - have a look round ur block  
Keep ur eyes open  
You’ve clearly made urself an enemy somewhere  
What did they even do anyway?  
I’m just dyin to know  
(11:37)

 

 **L’Oreal  
** U know full well what either u or ur retard friends did  
If u didnt physically do it u were involved  
Ur the only shitstain in this place who pulls this on the daily  
So I’m gonna clean up ur mess, report it  
And see to it u never get ur fucking hands on l  
My friend  
So fuck off  
(11:39)

 

 **Jamjar  
** No need for disability discrimination  
Don’t be any more of a cunt than u can possibly help  
Bet u won’t show THAT message to ur mate  
What next  
Homophobia  
Racism  
O WAIT  
DONE BOTH OF THOSE ALREADY  
Does ‘L’ know how much of a bigoted twat u were in school? Bet not  
Toodle-pip old chap  
Have fun cleaning up ur mess and squirrel shit  
:)  
(11:41)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!  
> We can't promise updates this quick ALL the time - where the muse goes, we go!


	3. Guitars, Thongs, and Perfect Pegging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus' fetish for women's thongs is discussed, another unknown number, James declares undying love (again) and Sirius is Less Than Pleased .

 

__

 

 

_Jamjar renamed the group “Dickheads Incorp.”_

 

**Jamjar  
** Sniv is  
SO PISSED OFF  
So pissed off  
He’s gotta get a tetanus jab  
Fluffy bit him  
(11:45)

 

**Fido  
** No he did not  
Ur shitting me  
Fucking PRICELESS  
(11:46)

 

**Jamjar  
** YEP  
I’m grinning  
He’s in such a shit mood  
Knows it’s us obvs but has NO PROOF  
(11:48)

 

**Romulus  
** And THIS is why we wear rubber gloves and hats so we don’t shed everywhere  
Plus it’s easier to grip post-its  
(11:49)

 

**Jamjar  
** True that  
Didn’t u unwrap them all tho?  
(11:50)

 

**Romulus  
** Don’t ruin my illusion  
Hope and dream, James, hope and dream  
(11:50)

 

**Jamjar  
** ALSO  
Speccy, lanky, unwashed, and dwarf. The names, they continue.  
God forbid he actually speak to us civilly  
(11:51)

 

**Fido  
** Tbf u were calling him Sniv and Batboy  
(11:51)

 

**Jamjar  
** I called him Snape and Severus on messenger  
I tried to be nice like WTF  
(11:52)

 

**PewPew  
** Only cus u wanted jagerbomb grl’s num  
Not cus u giv a fuk  
(11:53)

 

**Jamjar  
** BESIDES THE POINT  
Traitor to the cause  
(11:53)

 

**Romulus  
** Anyway  
What are we going to do with the photo evidence  
Need to keep our tracks clear  
(11:54)

 

**Jamjar  
** Print a copy of the picture  
And then delete it from all phones asap  
Here  
  
(11:56)

 

**PewPew  
** Im not printin it  
Fuk that noise  
(11:57)

 

**Romulus  
** I’ll do it calm your tits  
I’m off to the library anyway to finish an essay  
(11:58)

 

**Fido  
** Who even does essays before they’re due in first year?  
(11:58)

 

**Romulus  
** Um… the ones who want a 1st?  
And to get the good modules next year that you actually like  
(11:59)

 

**Jamjar  
** Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
(11:59)

 

**PewPew  
** Im gonna go the pub tonite  
U lot recovered enuf now?  
Or still 2 precious  
(12:00)

 

**Fido  
** Always pub  
(12:01)

 

**Jamjar  
** First round on you yeah, Rem?  
(12:01)

 

**Romulus  
** You can OWE ME  
For printing this shitting picture  
Not tonight tho, still too soon after migraine of death  
It’s a wonder you lot get any work done, Christ  
How are any of you even passing modules  
James you take PHYSICS how don’t you have reams of work  
(12:03)

 

**PewPew  
** I work  
Dont look @ me  
(12:04)

 

**Jamjar  
** Just naturally talented, mate  
(12:04)

 

**Fido  
** Naturally a twat, more like  
That said  
Remuuuuu  
Can I look at ur essay notes on gender theory?  
(12:05)

 

**Romulus  
** FUCKS SAKE SIRIUS  
(12:06)

 

**Fido  
** I had a double music lesson and I totally forgot, ok  
I’ll buy u a pint?  
(12:06)

 

**Romulus** **  
** Told you dual honours was a shit idea  
You don’t give enough of a shit lol  
FINE **  
** You can buy me three and I MIGHT  
You STILL owe me, btw  
(12:07)

 

**Fido  
** My eyes r rolling so hard I can see my brain  
Just so u know  
(12:08)

 

**Jamjar  
** I thought we agreed to keep ur domestics out of the group chat?  
(12:09)

 

**Romulus  
** For it to be a domestic  
That would imply a relationship  
There is not  
Nor is there sex before you even start, James Fleamont Potter  
(12:10)

 

**PewPew  
** Full names today  
Sum1 in a mood?  
(12:10)

 

**Fido  
** SOMEONE hasn’t been laid in too long  
Release some of that sexual tension, get out on the pull  
(12:11)

 

**Jamjar  
** Right hand not serving u well enough?  
(12:12)

 

**Romulus  
** You are all FAR too comfortable  
Knowing the literal ins and outs of each others sex lives  
Its fucking weird  
(12:13)

 

**PewPew  
** Mate we livd in dorms fr 7 yrs at Hoggys  
We hrd eachother wank  
Hrd eachother shag ppl on regular  
Privcy an illusion  
(12:14)

 

**Jamjar  
** AMEN to that  
(12:14)

 

**Fido  
** Pretty sure I know all ur fetishes by now  
Even the weird ones  
  
(12:15)

 

**Romulus  
** Oh so my thing for ladies thongs isn’t a secret?  
Damn, I thought I was being so CAREFUL  
(12:16)

 

**PewPew  
** IJUST  
Breatd in my tea tf was that remus  
(12:17)

 

**Jamjar  
** I demand a sexy show of remus in thongs  
(12:18)

 

**Romulus  
** Oh god  
(12:18)

 

**Fido  
** Striptease ;)  
(12:19)

 

**Jamjar  
** Wait  
I’ve got a msg from unknown number wtf  
(12:22)

 

**Fido  
** OOooooooo  
Secret admirer?  
(12:23)

 

**PewPew  
** Oi?  
James?  
(12:26)

 

**Romulus  
** Yoohooooooo?  
Anyone there?  
(12:36)

 

**Fido  
** DEETS DICKHEAD  
(12:40)

 

**PewPew  
** R u dead or wot?  
Do we need 2 send undertakers 4 ur corpse  
(12:49)

 

* * *

XxX

* * *

 

 

_Jamjar to Unknown Number_

 

**Unknown  
** Is this James Potter?  
(12:22)

 

**Jamjar  
** Uh… hello there, unknown number  
May I ask who’s messaging?  
Yes it is, btw  
(12:23)

 

**Unknown  
** Good  
I wouldn’t want to launch this tirade at some unsuspecting person  
But I’m a friend of Severus Snape’s  
And you’re a giant, steaming pile of absolute cow dung for what you did  
Whatever made you think it’s acceptable  
To break into someone’s dorm  
Just to get back at them when they didn’t give you my number?!  
As they shouldn’t you sickening pisswand  
(12:25)

 

**Jamjar  
** Woah, woah, woah  
FIRST OF ALL  
I don’t know u from adam except a hideous drunken night out  
I mean, I'm assuming Im talking to JB Girl here  
Which I wanted to APOLOGISE FOR  
Hence I approached Snape to ask for your NAME  
Not ur number  
UR NAME  
Because I saw u together leaving chem labs when I was out running  
And I thought it might be nice  
to write you a letter and leave it in ur pidgeonhole but u know  
He sort of scuppered THAT nice gesture  
And as for whatever shit has gone down with him  
We had a lot of shit in school  
He was a racist homophobic twat to me and my mates  
We responded AT THE TIME  
And he’s decided to drag that back up now  
Not me  
So take a deep breath and think that there might be two sides  
(12:28)

 

**Unknown  
** You did not  
Just tell me  
To take a deep breath  
I don’t give a flying fart what happened between you two  
As far as I’m concerned you’re as bad as each other  
And harrassing someone instead of, IDK, maybe using your brain and figuring out  
That I take that lesson pretty much at the same time every week  
So you could probably divert your stupid run to actually come and apologise  
Rather than ‘mark your territory’ in a pissing contest  
So how about you take a deep breath  
And realise maybe there is a good reason people throw their perfectly good drinks at u  
(12:31)

 

**Jamjar  
** I LITERALLY JUST SAID WE WERE  
Reading comprehension is indeed a thing  
Snape’s obvs not innocent in whatever the hell has gone down with him, btw  
YES I probably could have but when u’ve got an advantage of knowing someone  
Wouldn’t u go for that option first?  
Not everyone is super smart all the time  
N hands up logic is 100% not my strong suit out of class  
And FTR, that’s the first time anyone has thrown a drink over me  
Unless u count my mate Sirius  
But he did it to cause a diversion so my other mate Remus could get talking to the guy he liked  
He’s awkward like that  
Ok yes shouldn’t have told u to take a breath. Dick move. My bad.  
(12:34)

 

**Unkown  
** I know he’s not blameless. I said you’re as bad as each other  
There’s a reason I refused to chaperone him and his booboo to the nurse  
Anyone would think he’d been bitten by a wolf I stg  
Anyway  
You were stupid.  
He was stupid.  
Stop fighting because of me I won’t allow it  
I don’t want it, it’s not flattering, and it pisses me off  
(12:36)

 

**Jamjar  
** Is it really bad that I find that hilarious omg I’m so sorry  
Promise I’m not laughing  
Fucking LOL tho  
Like idk ur name so I can’t address u properly  
But i think we’d find somethin to fight over if u weren’t in the picture  
We just piss eachother off with our mere existence  
But if u could stop him from calling us bigoted shit it would help  
A LOT  
Less ammo u know?  
Or u don’t have to get involved like I said  
Don’t know u, u don’t know me  
I am sorry, though  
(12:39)

 

**Unknown  
** Apology accepted.  
But I’m not his keeper. He does and says whatever he pleases.  
If it gets his knackers kicked in it’s not my problem  
Btw  
I’m Lily.  
(12:42)

 

**Jamjar  
** He definitely fucking does that  
U know, didn’t have u pegged for a Lily  
Ur a bit fiery for that lol, no offence like  
It’s pretty tho :)  
Plz don’t throw another drink at me swear to god not being a letch  
… Just saying then, if he starts on us, we won’t go down quiet  
(12:44)

 

**Unknown  
** Fine, just don’t bring me into it for fucks sake  
If I have to hear about what u lot have done because of me  
I’ll show u what pegging is  
And not the rousing kind  
(12:45)

 

**Jamjar  
** Fucking holy shit  
Message received loud and clear  
Sirius is gonna love u, for real  
U should meet him, and my lot tbf  
Like, not drunk I mean. Or less drunk. MUCH LESS DRUNK  
Take it you’ll only be showing Snapey like the first fucking 4 chats then  
Give him my love  <3  
(12:46)

 

**Unknown  
** I’m not gonna be showing him anything  
I didn’t do this for him  
Plus I will most definitely not tell him you send your love  
I cba with the hour lecture on you again  
Tho I do reckon you should buy me a drink, considering you cost me one  
Anyone who can put in the effort of post-it noting an entire room  
Can spend the effort on buying me a drink  
(12:47)

 

**Jamjar  
** Lily  
I would get u a drink anyway  
Owe u one for my atrocious proposal effort  
I’ll see u at the SU sometime hopefully sans Snape  
And I’ll get u that drink  
Plz don’t cover me in it this time  
(12:48)

  


**Unknown  
** Making no such promises.  
I like to keep my options open.  
Wedgies, glass smashing, the opportunities are endless.  
Look forward to meeting u sober this time.  
Toodles  
(12:49)

 

_Unknown Number contact changed to Lilybomb_

* * *

XxX

* * *

 

 

**Jamjar  
** Sorry I was on the other chat  
Er, well  
Lads  
I might be in trouble with this one  
(12:52)

 

**Romulus  
** COLOUR ME SHOCKED  
JAMES POTTER FINDS TROUBLE ONCE AGAIN  
(12:52)

 

**Jamjar  
** No u don’t understand  
Like  
Ok  
She started of bollocking me for the Sniv thing  
But then  
I think I’m in love ok  
(12:53)

 

**Fido  
** Oh JESUS  
(12:53)

 

**Jamjar  
** She’s called Lily  
(12:54)

 

**PewPew  
** Gon be sick  
(12:54)

 

**Romulus  
** If you start trying to spout sonnets  
I WILL kill you  
I know how to make it look like an accident  
(12:55)

 

**Fido  
** I’ll help u, don’t worry  
(12:56)

 

**PewPew  
** Team effot  
(12:56)

 

**Jamjar  
** Shut the fuck up and read this  
Near end of convo post bollocking  
  
(12:58)

 

**Fido  
** HOLY FUCK  
Mate fuck you I’m having her  
Remus help me write sonnets  
(12:59)

 

**Romulus  
** On it, come to my room  
I’ve got my books ready to research  
(13:00)

 

**Fido  
** See u in two mins  
I’ll bring Shakespeare, u have Coleridge  
(13:02)

 

**PewPew  
** Soz Jamie  
The gay and the bi r gon out-romance u  
(13:03)

 

**Romulus  
** Damn right we are  
We know how to treat a woman well  
(13:04)

 

**Jamjar  
** I FEEL SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW  
U don’t understand  
She’s just  
She’s so funny  
She doesn’t take anyone’s shit  
“There’s a reason I refused to chaperone him and his booboo to the nurse  
Anyone would think he’d been bitten by a wolf I stg”  
(13:06)

 

**PewPew  
** James  
Shut the fuck up  
(13:07)

 

**Fido  
** No don’t  
Keep going  
Sonnet fuel  
(13:08)

 

**Jamjar**

I hate u all

(13:09)

 

* * *

XxX

* * *

 

 

_Fido renamed the group “Peter is a CUNT”_

 

**Fido  
** PETER  
U  
ARE  
GOING  
TO  
DIE  
(16:05)

 

**PewPew  
** Pardon moi?  
(16:06)

 

**Romulus  
** Dude omfg  
HOW THE SHIT  
(16:07)

 

**Fido  
** I swear to God  
U are so fucking dead the next time I see you  
(16:08)

 

**Jamjar  
** What  
What’s gone down?  
(16:08)

 

**Romulus  
** More precisely, what has gone up?  
  
HAHAHAHA  
(16:10)

 

**Jamjar  
** HAHHAHAHAHA  
Your guitar is defying gravity  
Gonna sit on ur chair too? Give u a headrush  
(16:10)

 

**PewPew  
** TOLD U TO LOCK UR DOORS  
U DINT LISTN  
FUCKIN MUPPET  
(16:11)

 

**Fido  
** I stg if Eddie is damaged I will fucking murder u  
And Ill do it with a smile u ratty twat  
IT WAS FUCKIN REMUS ANYWAY  
(16:12)

 

**Romulus  
** OI  
(16:13)

 

**Jamjar  
** O, low blow!  
U don’t dob in a fellow Marauder!  
(16:13)

 

**Fido  
** Ye well he attacked Eddie all bets are off  
GAFFER TAPE ON A GUITAR ARE U MENTAL?  
(16:14)

 

**PewPew  
** O i no it was remus  
Gid and Fab tld me wen they mvd my bed back  
But u made a better target this time cus u covered 4 him  
:) :) :)  
Watch ur back Wolfboy  
(16:17)

 

**Romulus  
** …  
Fuck  
(16:18)

 

**Jamjar  
** WHO’S IN TROUBLE NOW, REMUS LUPIN?  
HUH?  
(16:20)

 

**Romulus  
** I’m off to the library  
MY DOOR IS LOCKED AND I’VE TRAPPED IT  
Go in and you’ll get an unpleasant surprise Petey  
(16:21)

 

**Jamjar  
** Want company?  
(16:21)

 

**Romulus  
** Are you actually gonna do work?  
Or wax lyrical about Lily for hours straight  
(16:22)

 

**Jamjar  
** Bit of both, if I’m honest with u  
(16:22)

 

**Romulus  
** Fiiiiine, get your shit  
Meet you by your door  
At least you’ll be out of that miserable twat’s line of fire  
(16:23)

 

**Jamjar  
** PRECISELY  
(16:23)

 

**PewPew  
** Im comin, 2  
(16:24)

 

**Romulus  
** NOPE  
(16:25)

 

**Jamjar  
** RUN, REMUS  
(16:25)

 

**Fido  
** EDDIE’S VARNISH HAS CHIPPED PETE  
U R SO FUCKIN DEAD  
You lock your doors mate  
You fucking lock your doors  
And your windows  
My revenge will be served icier than ur cold, dead heart  
(16:30)

 

**Romulus  
** RIP Peter Pettigrew  
It was good knowing you  
(16:32)

 

**Jamjar  
** We’ll look after ur funeral arrangements  
Make it pretty  
(16:33)

 

**PewPew  
** Im not leavin my room  
Ever  
(16:34)

 

**Fido  
** U gotta eat  
Gotta shower  
Gotta piss, MATE  
Don’t turn ur back  
Gonna be watchin u  
(16:35)

 


	4. Lectures and 'Talks'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which James waxes lyrical, lecturers are bastards, and there are deep-and-meaningful talks.

 

_ _

 

 

_ Conversation between Jamjar and Fido  _

  
  


**Jamjar**   
Mate    
Are u and Remus ok?   
He’s been fuckin weird last few days   
And uv been dead quiet  
Freakin me out tbh   
Know I joke bout ur drama but is there anythin I can do?   
(22:31)

 

**Fido**   
James idek anymore    
Look keep this to urself    
Promise?   
(22:32)

 

**Jamjar**   
Sirius   
Ur my my brother in all ways that count   
U know all my shit   
Can trust me with anything :)   
(22:33)

 

**Fido**   
Soppy cunt   
I know    
Fuck’s sake    
U know when we were taking the piss   
And writing sonnets about Lily the other day?   
(22:35)

  
**Jamjar**   
Fucking YES    
Twats   
(22:35)

 

**Fido**   
They’re so beautiful    
Can’t wait to show her them   
But whatevs    
(22:36)

  
  
**Fido**   
I snogged remus ok   
Or, we snogged, idk what to say   
(22:39)

 

**Jamjar**   
Oh shit, ok    
(22:40)

 

**Fido** **  
** W O W   
Nice and supportive there bud   
(22:41)

 

**Jamjar**   
No I mean   
How’d he take it?   
(22:42)

 

**Fido**   
Well he didn’t fucking throw me off   
If that’s what u mean   
But he’s bein so goddamn squirrely about it now   
(22:44)

 

**Jamjar  
** U tried to talk to him bout it?  
(22:44)

 

**Fido**   
No been staring at walls   
COURSE I HAVE   
He just brushes it off or changes subject  
(22:45)

 

**Jamjar**   
Like  
I don’t know what to suggest    
Cus remus… he can be closed off sometimes   
U know what it was like for him comin out   
(22:46)

 

**Fido**   
Ye course I do    
We were all fckin there    
Slimy cunt outing him to the whole fuckin school   
But he’s never been like that with me   
(22:48)

 

**Jamjar**   
Is it ok if I ask smthin?   
(22:49)

 

**Fido**   
Like, when did I decide I wanted him?   
Fancied him, wtf ever?   
(22:50)

 

**Jamjar**   
Well yea basically   
But if u don’t wanna tell me    
Fair play mate    
(22:51)

 

**Fido**   
No it’s ok   
Erm   
Probably Year 12   
Maybe Year 11 I can’t really pinpoint it   
Just sorta happened over time    
(22:53)

 

**Jamjar**   
WHY have u not done anythin sooner then?    
U two are weirdly suited tho, even tho SO weird    
If u actually get ur acts together I mean   
(22:54)

 

**Fido**   
Yea well    
Right now that’s looking    
HIGHLY unlikely    
Suspect I might have bollocksed this one up Jamie   
(22:56)

 

**Jamjar**   
Honestly   
Considerin how he flipped out after the accomm bloke thing   
I REALLY don’t think u have   
Just think he’s worried abt fuckin it up as much as u are   
Been mates for so long that’s all   
I’d probs just lay off randoms for a bit and show him    
That it’s him ur into, u know?   
(22:59)

 

**Fido**   
Mate   
You are SUCH a fucking mother hen   
Where tf do you get this shit?   
(23:00)

 

**Jamjar**   
Advice columns are great reading   
Don’t knock my agony aunt skills   
(23:01)

 

**Fido**   
FINE   
Thanks mate, honestly   
Soz for going off on one   
(23:02)

 

**Jamjar**   
Sirius?   
Shut up u twat   
Go get a couple of Hobgoblins from the fridge   
And come watch Rick and Morty   
(23:03)

 

**Fido**   
Aye-aye, Tightpants   
(23:04)

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


_ Conversation between Jamjar and PewPew _

  
  


**Jamjar**   
Pete   
Get ready to owe me that tenner   
(23:03)

 

**PewPew**   
U fuck, wt do u kno   
(23:03)

 

**Jamjar**   
Sworn to secrecy mate   
Can’t break the brotherly bond   
(23:04)

 

**PewPew**   
C U N T   
(23:05)

 

**Jamjar**   
You love it   
Go get a beer  
come watch Rick and Morty with me and dogboy   
(23:06)

 

**PewPew**   
Fuck no not leavin my room alone 4 no1   
(23:06)

 

**Jamjar**   
SIRIUS IS WITH ME   
(23:07)

 

**PewPew**   
Nt riskin it    
Dunno who watchin   
(23:07)

 

**Jamjar**   
Whatevs u paranoid tosser   
(23:08)

* * *

 

 

**Jamjar**   
The thing bout Lily   
Is she doesn’t seem to actually   
Realise how amazing she is   
(18:13)

 

**Fido**   
Oh. My. God  
(18:13)

 

**Romulus**   
JAMES for the love of all that is holy    
You’ve had ONE conversation   
(18:14)

 

**Jamjar**   
Saw her leaving Chemistry on my run   
Waved at her   
She flipped me the finger when Sniv was looking   
then WINKED AT ME when he wasn’t   
(18:16)   
  


 

_ PewPew renamed the group “James’s Sonnets” _

 

**Jamjar**   
O fuck u Pete   
(18:17)

 

**PewPew**   
So what ur sayin   
Jus 2 b clear   
Is shes not wilin to wind up snape 4 u   
(18:19)

 

**Romulus**   
But DID wink at him   
Can’t forget that  
  
(18:20)

 

**Fido**   
That gif is LIFE  
(18:20)

 

**Romulus**   
*bows*  
(18:21)

 

**Jamjar**   
Once again, I feel attacked   
(18:21)

 

**PewPew  
** Once agen, no1 cares   
Seriously tho, u gonna do owt or wht  
Or just moon over her like the loser u r   
(18:22)

 

**Fido**   
Pete! The savagery!  
How very dare   
(18:22)

 

**Romulus**   
Not wrong though, to be fair   
So, Romeo, what are you gonna do?   
Because, lets face it, youre not exactly Mr Romance are you?   
(18:23)

 

**Jamjar**   
She said she’d go for a drink with me    
So like   
Go... for a drink?   
(18:24)

 

**Fido**   
O wow    
SWOOON    
She’s gonna fall at ur feet jamie   
For real tho    
How do u plan to, u know, not get jager thrown over u   
Cus, my man, that was not a classy look   
(18:26)

 

**Jamjar**   
By drinking about 95% less than I did that night    
Rocket science, it is not    
(18:27)   
  


**Romulus**   
I would STRONGLY recommend not proposing to her tits    
Cus that didn’t go down well    
In fact   
Avoid marriage all together    
I don’t think Lily is gonna like you going down on one knee   
(18:30)

 

**Fido**   
Might like u going down tho   
(18:31)

 

**Romulus**   
Tbf who doesn’t?   
(18:31)

 

**PewPew**   
HOLYFICJ   
Y must u lot say this shit whn im drinkin tea   
MY NOSE IS BJURNIN   
(18:32)

 

**Jamjar**   
U are both perverts    
Get a fuckin room   
And leave Lily out of it ffs   
(18:33)

 

* * *

 

_ Conversation between Fido and Romulus  _

  
  


**Fido**   
I know ur in the library nerdboy   
When are u back in the block?    
(18:31)

 

**Romulus**   
Erm   
When this essay on Dante’s Inferno is done   
Which sucks arse by the way you really need to start it   
Why?   
(18:32)

 

**Fido**   
Wild guess  
(18:33)

 

**Romulus**   
Sirius    
(18:33)   
  


**Fido**   
Remus    
See, I know ur name too   
10 points to Gryffindor   
(18:34)

 

**Romulus**   
Are you ever going to drop this?   
(18:34)

 

**Fido  
** No  
Im really not  
Not considerin u had ur hands down my jeans   
Which, btw, was fantastic   
I know u don’t think it was a mistake    
(18:36)

 

**Romulus** **  
** I don’t want it to be    
A mistake I mean   
(18:40)

 

**Fido**   
Okay so what now then    
Because ur not just some joke to me   
U never have been    
And if u won’t let me say this to ur face   
Then im gonna say it here   
Where u can’t slam a door in my face    
(18:42)

 

**Romulus**   
I never did that    
Don’t be so overdramatic    
(18:43)

 

**Fido**   
May as well have   
Been like talkin to a brick wall    
(18:44)

 

**Romulus**   
Been trying to sort shit out in my head   
It’s complicated, you know this    
(18:44)

 

**Fido**   
O and it isn’t for me?    
(18:45)

 

**Romulus**   
That’s part of the complication   
I don’t want to make life any harder for you   
I’m not worth it    
(18:47)

 

**Fido**   
U don’t get to make that call Rem   
Ur worth it to me    
Fuck those homophobic cunts i loosely call family   
The day i turned 18 i walked out of there   
Im not goin back   
(18:49)   
  


**Romulus**   
And the fact we’ve been friends since we were 11?   
I don’t wanna lose that    
CANT lose that, Siri. You 3 are all I have   
(18:50)

 

**Fido**   
WE WONT    
I told u this Rem   
It’s trying it out, not a binding contract   
I mean i know im Mr Darcy but still   
Single man, possession of fortune, want of wife/husband lol etc  
(18:52)

 

**Romulus**   
You did NOT just call yourself Mr Darcy omfg    
Okay look    
Come round later I’ll let you know when I’m back   
And we’ll talk   
(18:53)

 

**Fido**   
Actually talk    
Or ‘talk’   
(18:53)

 

**Romulus**   
ACTUALLY TALK    
You are incorrigible   
(18:54)   
  


**Fido**   
I love it when u talk thesaurus to me    
(18:55)

 

**Romulus**   
Piss off sirius, let me get this sodding essay done   
Or i’ll have a migraine   
And there’ll be no talking of any kind   
(18:57)

 

**Fido**   
I’d look after u anyway :)    
(18:58)

 

**Romulus**   
Even if I threw up on your shoes?   
(18:58)

 

**Fido**   
Know what? Even then  
Gross bastard   
(19:00)

  
  


* * *

 

_ Romulus renamed the group “Fucking UNI" _

  
  


**Romulus**   
OK  
So my lecturer for Romanticisms is a grade A dickhead   
(09.45)   
  


**Jamjar**   
WhyWhy?   
(09.46)

 

**PewPew**   
U say that like half rnt hereeeee    
(09.46)

 

**Fido**   
Im 100% glad that i do music now too  
Y tho whats he done   
(09.47)

 

**Romulus  
** You know I had that SUPER migraine   
Well I’ve had like 3 more since, smaller ones but still shit   
So got behind a bit   
Hence sitting in the library doing essays til midnight ffs  
I went to humanities office to ask for a week extension on his essay   
LIKE I WAS TOLD TO DO FYI  
They said it’d be ok and not to worry as all my others have been on time/early   
And getting 92-95% at least on them  
Anyway, no such luck & its still due in tomorrow   
Just got an email from him   
THANKS FOR THE NOTICE    
(09:49)   
  


**Fido**   
Wait wtf  
(09.50)

 

**Jamjar**   
Don’t they know u have a thing   
(09.51)

 

**Romulus** **  
** YES    
Cus I get a different grant and shit   
To help pay for the filter cover on my laptop and that   
And for accom so I get on the bottom floor so I don’t do stairs   
And there are different lights in my room   
So they are fully fucking aware   
(09:53)

 

**PewPew**   
Mate wot an arsebadger    
(09.54)

 

**Fido**   
U need to appeal that, not fair    
Need more notice than that    
(09:54)

 

**Jamjar**   
Yea for real he cant do that    
Esp if the office thought u’d get the extension   
Did u fill the form out?   
(09:55)

 

**Romulus**   
Yeah and gave them my access arrangements info   
(09:56)   
  


**PewPew**   
Is there anythin we cn do rem?   
(09:57)

 

**Romulus**   
Short of storming the keep?   
No not really   
Just wanted to scream into the void a bit   
(09.58)

 

**Jamjar**   
Let me think on it   
Im pretty sure there’s somethin we can do   
Even if it just makes u smile   
(10:00)

 

**Romulus**   
Don’t do anything stupid   
Not worth it    
He’ll know it was me and I’ll get into trouble   
(10:01)

 

**Fido**   
Okay, okay    
What’s your essay on?   
(10:02)   
  


**Romulus**   
Hang on let me copy it  
It’s wordy as shit.   
“The period of Romanticism is characterised not least by the frequency and force of claims made in this period on behalf of the poet and the faculty of imagination. Analyse these claims, and the relationships between them, in works by two or more of the following authors: Wordsworth, Coleridge, Keats, and Hazlitt. What sort of power is imagination, and what are its effects? What are the grounds upon which the poet is claimed to be a privileged figure in the modern world? And what are the difficulties facing the poet (and the imaginative faculty more generally) in that world?”  
(10:05)

 

**Jamjar**   
Jesus FUCK  
Ur right   
He is a dickhead if he writes questions like that   
(10:07)

 

**PewPew**   
Wtf does that even mean?   
(10:08)

 

**Fido  
** Thts not too bad    
If u got notes, Ill help u    
Might not get u a 90 but can probs get u somewhere in an 80   
Not done Coleridge since A Level tho    
(10:10)

 

**PewPew**   
Hw TF do u even undrstand that?   
(10:12)

 

**Romulus**   
It’s like a 4000 word essay    
Due tomorrow   
This isn’t gonna get done Sirius    
I mean I’ve got it half drafted, but it’ll be shit    
(10:12)

 

**Fido**   
O u think so?  
Watch me    
I am THE KING of last minute essays   
And pulling bullshit esoteric answers from nowhere   
Get ur shit, we’re going to the library    
Jamie, Pete, come with   
We’re gonna need provisions   
And moral support    
(10:14)

 

**Jamjar**   
Monster and doritos it is then   
(10:15)

 

**PewPew  
** Ill go buy the fags    
Ull need the break   
(10:16)

 

**Fido**   
Menthols, dude   
(10:17)

 

**PewPew**   
I KNO    
NOT THICK   
(10:17)

  
  


* * *

 

 

_ Jamjar created the group “Revenge 4 Remus”  _ _  
_ _ Jamjar added Fido and PewPew to the group _

 

 

**Jamjar**   
So we’re not taking this lyin down, obvs   
(22:46)

 

**PewPew**   
O thank god   
Thort ud gon soft   
(22:47)

 

**Fido**   
Have to be careful   
Can’t get Rem in trouble   
He’s just gone for a cig, be quick    
(22:48)

 

**Jamjar**   
No never   
(22.49)

 

**PewPew**   
Wed take the fall    
If need 2   
(22.50)

 

**Jamjar**   
Yeah exactly    
(22.50)

 

**Fido**   
Ok   
But what we gonna do?   
(22.51)

 

**Jamjar**   
Needs to be funny   
Needs to amuse everyone   
Needs to target his lecturer   
(22.52)

 

**Fido**   
Keep it light   
Bt inconvenience the fuck out of him?   
(22.53)

 

**PewPew**   
Ye pretty much   
Cus Rems gonna appeal it    
N he shud win   
(22.54)

 

**Jamjar**   
I’ve got an amazing idea    
U all up for an early morning?   
(22.56)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews sincerely appreciated!


	5. Revenge Is Best Served.... Early?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ever-delightful Lily is finally introduced to the Marauding circle, and revenge on behalf on their comrade commences....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE RETURN!!! More hijinks, more marauders.... swear not to leave it too long next time :)
> 
> ~ Daggers

__

 

_Conversation between Jamjar and Lilybomb_

 

 **Jamjar**  
Hi Lily  
Sorry to bother you  
Hope im not interrupting anything :)  
How’re u?  
(12:40)

 

 **Lilybomb** **  
** Oh you know  
The usual. Work hard, play never.  
wbu?  
(12:42)

 **Jamjar** **  
** Working far harder than legal  
On work NOT MY OWN  
For good of humanity and friends etc  
Bcus lecturers are bastards apparently  
Hiding in stacks to get a break  
Send help  
(12:43)

 

 **Lilybomb** **  
** Lecturers are total bastards  
It’s the way of the world.  
Those in charge of young adults shall be grumpy fucks  
And sadistic bastards  
Who’s essay you writing?  
(12:45)

 

 **Jamjar**  
I thought my physics guys n gals were ok  
But Remus’ dude is a total fuck  
N has just screwed him over big time  
Bcus bugger to disabilities, right?  
4,000 word essay on shit I know not  
less than 24 hrs to finish  
Sirius is doin most of it cus he does Lit too  
So im relegated to quote-finder n bookhunter  
(12:46)

 

 **Lilybomb**  
Sirius….  
Sirius.  
He the leather-bound black haired fella?  
Anyway you’re doing a gr8 job  
Friend of mine has dyslexia has to have a note taker  
I’d castrate the bastards but you’re doing the right thing  
(12:47)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Hahahah ye  
Usually leather, always with the hair  
General pain in everyones arse but gotta love him  
But tbh got a bit of a plan  
Cant castrate lecturer mcwankstain  
But have a way to majorly inconvenience n avenge @ same time  
Usually Rem would be in with me, Sirius n Petey but  
Well, need to keep him out of it obvs  
Want in?  
Its gonna be fun, non-harmful, joyous tomfoolery  
FML  
Joyous tomfoolery  
Fucking LITERATURE, give me physics  
(12:49)

 

 **Lilybomb**  
Oh yeah he’s cute.  
I tend to like pain in the arses tho tbf so there we are  
You’re hatching a masterplan?  
But I do love literature… and I do love tomfoolery  
Particularly the joyous kind  
So count me in.  
Need my boobs? Or is teacher not that way  
(12:51)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Ah, Lily, sadly our dear Fido is a bit…  
Well, he and Rem are ‘complicated’  
But tbf think theyve written u sonnets  
Prepare 2 b swooned by a flamboyant gay man  
And a leatherbound-bi hyperactive man-child  
Who love literature so least ul get that fix  
I however can provide pain in the arse-ness and joy  
SO  
Its an ungodly early start, lecture theatre 2  
And we need possible distraction (low cut kind just in case)  
And buckets and jugs  
We will provide the rest ;)  
(12:53)

  
**Lilybomb**  
Awww sonnets for moi? How sweet!  
Also…. Low cut? IN CASE?  
  
Sure sure I remember ur proposal and so do my girls  
What u been saying about me  
That I have a good rack? Or that i am easily your better?  
Both is true, fyi, so no shade if you have.  
Also I might be able to get buckets and jugs.  
(12:54)

 

 **Jamjar**  
OMFG  
Wear a jacket you can take off omg  
Plz ground swallow me  
They are lovely though,  
in an entirely non-creepy and appreciative-at-a-distance way  
And Lily, Lily, Lily… u’v not seen me at my best  
Lets wait for that assessment shall we ;)  
Try bring 2 jugs if u can  
and the biggest bucket u can carry when full of water  
I AM SO READY FOR THIS  
Ill group-chat u in with Pete n Sirius so we cn go over the plan  
If thts ok?  
(12:55)

 

  
**Lilybomb  
** Suuuuuuuuuuure you keep your eyes away from these  
And keep those wandering hands away from the curves.  
Don’t touch what you can’t afford  
And I guess…. If I must…. I will meet the horde.  
(12:56)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Ok, ok!  
Can’t help it if u fall head over heels  
For all this amazingness that is James Potter tho  
And be prepared  
They’re dickheads  
(12:56)

 

 **Lilybomb  
** Oh. No. Whatever. Will. I. Do.  
Well you know what they say  
Birds of a feather and all that. ;-)  
Tho as I recall they were the ones dragging you away and apologising  
So they must not be that bad.  
Wait…. I take that back already that was stupid  
(12:57)

 

 **Jamjar**  
HAHAHA NOPE  
Ur already in now, theyre ‘not that bad’  
And oi!  
I Am Offended.  
(12:57)

 

_Jamjar has added Lilybomb to the group “Revenge 4 Remus”_

 

 **Jamjar**  
BE NICE u cunts  
(13:00)

 

 **PewPew**  
Suk a dik Jamie  
Alwys nice  
(13:00)

 **Fido**  
Holyshit waitwhat  
Lily?    
THE LILY?  
(13:01)

 

 **Lilybomb** **  
** Good evening ladies  
Leatherbound ;-)  
I’ve heard… a bit about you all  
(13:01)

 **  
Jamjar**  
O goody  
(13:02)

 

 **Fido** **  
** I’d say im surprised  
But I’m not at all  
Not when my reputation clearly precedes me  
Regrettably you’ve been stuck with dramaqueen  
AKA James Fleamont Potter  
When you could have had far more pleasant company  
(13:03)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Lock ur door Sirius  
Middle names already?  
SIRIUS ORION BLACK  
Constellations, u pretentious knob  
(13:04)

 

 **PewPew**  
N wot am I?  
Chopd liver?  
JESUS its like I cn hear ur poshboy accent thru chat  
Lily he doesnt usually chat like this  
Showin off  
POSER POSH BOY  
(13:05)

  
**Lilybomb  
** Settle down children, jfc  
I’m a woman not  
I was gonna say not a goddess but that’s a lie, so  
Shall we get to the matter at hand? As in, avenging your friend?  
(13:05)

 **  
Fido**  
Another line for the sonnets  
One to tell Rem, I think!  
ANYWAY YES.  
Grand plan is afoot.  
James, do you wanna explain?  
Remus keeps looking over my shoulder  
So I’m going to have to silence you to avoid suspicion  
Sorry, Lily-love  
(13:06)

 

 **PewPew**  
*vom*  
(13:06)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Just… remember what I said, Siri  
Bout Rem  
(13:06)

 **Fido**  
I know mate, I know  
I’m just having fun  
Right, Lily-love? ;)  
(13:07)

  
**Lilybomb  
** Far be it for me to come between 2 lovebirds  
Besides I think some jager-soaked little dude has claimed  
>.<  
(13:08)

 

 **PewPew**  
LOL little  
Soz Jamie sux 2 b u  
(13:08)

 

 **Fido**  
See, she gets it  <3  
And hey, maybe she’d like to see Rem in thongs  
Know I would  
(13:09)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Once again, I feel ATTACKED  
(13:09)

 

**PewPew**

****

(13:09)

 

 **Jamjar  
** THE PLAN OMG  
The cleaners go into the lecture building bout 4am  
We watch them til they leave  
They dont lock the lecture theatre after, Ive checked before  
Then ive got binbags full of plastic cups  
We need to go in, arrange them on every surface and floor  
Fill em with water as we go  
Some are a different colour  
& the water will be dyed  
so there will be a particular shape formed on the floor ;)  
Its petty AF BUT  
Rem said they hand in their paper-versions of the essay in this 9am lecture  
The dude calls out anyone missing it & demands an exp there & then  
So if he didnt hav it hed be forced to say why  
A girl had 2 last time n her granddad had DIED fgs  
So Rem said anyway  
(13:11)

 

 **Lilybomb** **  
** Ok so. 1st things 1st.  
1\. I hope to fucking god you mean the Australian meaning of thongs

  1. Poor cleaners, 4am? Christ
  2. I have no idea how you have managed to find so many cups
  3. I can only imagine which shape you child
  4. I’ve heard of this man. He’s a bellend. Let’s fuck him up.



(13:13)

 **Fido**  
Wouldn’t you like to know?  
  
(13:13)

 **PewPew**  
Lily, dnt suppose dickhead explaind we went 2 boardin school  
Where we livd 2gether in a dorm  
for 7 YEARS  
This isnt the weirdest convo weve had  
Or thing weve done tbf  
(13:14)

 **Jamjar**  
Well tbf its a big buildin with loads of rooms  
They dont do it at night cus loads of the rooms r used for meetings  
So morning it is i guess  
And ebay, amazon, my mate behind the bar… all add up  
Like i said, PETTY AF…  
Don’t u think it suits him tho?  
(13:15)

 

 **Lilybomb  
** -.-  
I’m already tired and i’ve barely spoken to you for like 5 mins  
You’re all hyper as fuck  
When is this going down btw?  
(13:15)

 

 **Jamjar  
** Er  
Well  
Are you free tomorrow morning?  
Bit last minute but situ called for it  
Essay due in and all that  
Lecture deadline etc

(13:16)

 

 **Lilybomb** **  
** Ugh okay  
I was only gonna do study night neway  
I can make an early bed and then meet you  
(13:16)

 

 **PewPew**  
amazeballs  
Wear dark stuff  
We got plastic gloves  
But u need 2 hav ur hair up n hidden  
n bcus they got cameras in there  
Probs sum sort of mask 2 hide ur face  
Same 4 all of us  
(13:17)

 **Fido**  
Understood, Vision  
(13:17)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Agreed, Vision.  
I have a spare balaclava from rugby if u need it Lily  
(13:18)

 

 **Lilybomb** **  
** From rugby? You need a balaclava for rugby?  
Or was that a hint that ur ripped  
(13:18)

 

 **Fido**  
IT GETS COLD  
When you’re doing hours of running about in winter training  
They HELP  
Especially if you do the ridiculous runs that this dickhead goes on  
I use mine under my helmet too when I’ve got my bike  
(13:19)

 **PewPew**  
U mean dethtrap  
That ‘bike’ int road legal, stg  
(13:19)

 **Jamjar**  
Amen, to both  
But seriously  
Balaclavas r a godsend running in shitty weather  
Training in shitty weather  
I stay fit if that’s what you mean ;)  
(13:20)

 **Fido**  
Cough-lanky-cough  
(13:20)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Cough-unwashed-cough  
(13:20)

 

 **Lilybomb  
** Boys, boys, boys.  
Keep on target. I need not know about your lankies and unwasheds  
Cups. Water. Godawful o’clock.  
I’m gonna need coffee  
(13:21)

 

 **PewPew**  
I hv a coffee maker  
If u swing by E block  
I will feed u GOOD coffee and go ovr plans agen  
While these 2 dikheads moon around being twats  
(13:22)

 **Lilybomb  
** Thank you Peter  
Finally someone with manners  
(13:22)

 

 **PewPew**  
*bows* ur welcome  
NOW THEN  
Sirius, dnt u hav an essay 2 save?  
James  
Stop bein a moony twat  
N get ur gear 2gether  
We dnt have much time 2 sleep  
N then gt this show on th road  
(13:23)

 

 **Fido**  
Aye aye, Captain Vision  
Lily, a pleasure  
(13:23)

 **Jamjar**  
Good fucking lord  
OK FINE  
Peters for coffee n resource gathering, saaay...  
3:30?  
(13:24)

 

 **Fido**  
Yep yep.  
I mean I’ll be up anyway  
Remus is planning an all-nighter  
So  
I’ll get him as done as I can before then  
I mean we’re half done now  
So we should be as done as we’re gonna be  
Except for writing up the notes we’ve made  
(13:25)

 

 **Lilybomb  
** Enough about your sex life Leather  
Right see you weiners at 3.30  
I take my coffee strong and black  
Like my…. Blank  
Cheese. Oh my god being around u guys is catching  
Ok. BYE  
(13:26)

 

 **Fido**  
EMBRACE IT, LILY-LOVE  
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
James bring us more Monster  
(13:27)

 **Jamjar**  
God damn  
Ok  
Please say you have cigs left  
(13:27)

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

  
_Romulus changed the group name to ‘Giant Penises’_

 

 **Romulus** **  
** Oh  
My  
God  
I cannot. I literally cannot.  
(09:23)

 

 **Fido  
** Yes, remuuuu?  
Did u get it in?  
(09:23)

 

 **Romulus**  
Oh, I got it in  
Before lecture was cancelled.  
BECAUSE OF THE WATER CUPS ALL OVER THE HALL  
AND A GIANT FUCKING COCK AND BALLS IN THE MIDDLE  
IN BRIGHT PINK FOOD COLOURING  
(09:24)

 

 **Jamjar**  
Heh  
What an intriguing desription  
Craftily organised joke, that  
(09:25)

 

 **PewPew**  
Id say so Jam, wudnt u Fido?  
(09:25)

 

 **Fido**  
I’d expect it to be a stunning display of artistry.  
(09:25)

 

 **Romulus**  
NO ONE COULD SIT DOWN  
OR ENTER THE ROOM  
Lecturer was staring at us like we were lunatics for standing in the hall waiting for him  
Until he walked in and literally fell into the cups  
I HAD TO HAND IN MY ESSAY  
TRYING NOT TO LAUGH AT HIS PINK-STAINED HANDS AND FACE  
(09:27)

 

 **Fido**  
Orite, captain all-caps, chill  
(09:27)

 

 **PewPew**  
Omfg pissin meself  
(09:27)

 

 **JamJar**  
GOLDEN ESCAPADES THERE!  
(09:27)

 

 **Romulus**  
Guys… just  
Thanks, ok?  
I needed it.  
(09:28)

 

 **Jamjar  
** No worries dude  
(09:28)

 

 **PewPew**  
NP  
(09:28)

 

 **Fido**  
:)  
(09:28)

 

 **Romulus**  
You’re such fucking dickheads swear down  
But you’re great  
The actual best  
(09:30)

 

 **Fido**  
Remuuuu?  
(09:31)

 

 **Romulus**  
Siriiiiiii?  
(09:31)

  
**Fido**  
STFU u sentimental twat, and come get a morning celebratory beer.  
Lily will be there, she can’t wait to hear the reactions  
(09:32)

 

 **Romulus**  
Wait  
WHAT?  
(09:33)

 


	6. Day Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders discover all is not well with the new addition to their brood - and very quickly realise the cause of her troubles.

__

 

_[Conversation between Lils and DRACULA]_

 

 **Lils** **  
** Sev  
Sevvy  
Severus  
SEV  
SEV SEV SEV SEV SEV  
Put your sock down  
SEVERUS SNAPEAGE  
[11:16]

 

 **DRACULA  
** You rang?  
[11:17]

 

 **Lils  
** LOL  
You dunno how funny that is with your username  
Bahahaha  
[11:17]

 

 **DRACULA  
** I’m studying, what do you want?  
[11:18]

 

 **Lils  
** Snappage, who woke u up too early today?  
[11:20]

 

 **DRACULA  
** Sorry  
There’s a need to get this done before I epically fail  
[11:21]

 

 **Lils  
** I’m a woman  
I have needs  
I have a need too you knows  
And there’s cute guys in here  
And im like hmm mayb i should try a little bit of the samples  
On offer yknow  
And i dunno why but its tempting  
Do u have needs Sev?  
[11:23]

 

 **DRACULA  
** Dear christ almighty  
It’s 11am and you’re pissed  
[11:24]

 

 **Lils  
** I am not!!11!!  
I object to your insulator  
[11:25]

 

 **DRACULA  
** It’s “insinuation”  
And you are pissed as a rat, Evans  
You only ever talk about your ‘needs’ when uve had a few  
Usually shout it so most the surrounding boys can hear  
[11:26]

 

 **Lils  
** U dont know me  
U dont know my needs  
But while yur here  
What do u need, Sev?  
Cause you always look sad  
And i dun like that u look sad  
[11:27]

 

 **DRACULA  
** I need to study, Lily  
I honestly, truly do  
Where are you, by the way?  
[11:29]

 

 **Lils  
** Out with da goon squad  
Theyre not bad u knowwq  
If youd be nice for a sec or tow and give em a chance  
Theyre just boys growing up to be bigger boys  
One finger up their nose  
One hand on their penis  
And they get taller  
Thats all they do  
Men are simple creatures like  
I could whip up me top and apart from the gays u knw  
They’d spring boners  
[11:31]

 

 **DRACULA  
** Lily.  
jfc  
Apart from your wild self-assuredness about your attractiveness  
I think you need to step away from those f  
Just think about it ok  
James has fancied u since he first saw u  
He’s not a gentleman  
He’s just out for a bit of fun  
[11:33]

 

 **Lils  
** Well  
Whats wrong with that?  
Gentleman  
Are YOU a gentleman, sevtacular?  
HAHA I like that  
Sevtacular Sevtacular  
No word in the vernacular  
Can describe this streak of boy  
He’s so  
He’s so  
Fuck i cant think  
[11:36]

 

 **DRACULA  
** You cant think cause ur off ur tits  
Let me come and get you  
You have an exam next week  
Do this piss up then  
[11:39]

 

 **Lils  
** Ill have u know  
Ive had a long mornin  
Of hard graft and work  
And these fuckers owe me a pint or five  
So i am gonna rinse them for their debt  
And then probably vomit a bit  
Cry  
And then pass out  
[11:41]

 

 **DRACULA  
** I hope youre happy with ur life choices.  
[11:43]

 

 **Lils  
** OOH THE FULL STOP  
THE FULL STOP OF DOON  
NO  
Dont b mad severus  
Or jealous  
Ur stil my frend  
U still my friend?  
[11:44]

 

 **DRACULA  
** Why wont you listen when i tell you theyre arsewipes?  
They only look out for each other  
Theyre self centered and dont care for anyone who isnt in their click  
They think to be invited is some royal fuckin decree  
And if you are not what they want  
Then kiss goodbye to being fuckin civil with them  
Youre nothing but fodder in their playgruond games  
And i dont want you being hurt if or when  
Probably fuckin when  
Knowing that shit  
You get hurt by Potter  
[11:46]

 

 **Lils  
** Ok ok ive excued mself  
Im outside  
Can i call u?  
Shit this wifi is shit  
Sev dont be mad. Potter is just a boy  
I know what boys are  
Youre a boy  
[11:48]

 

 **DRACULA  
** Dont ever  
EVER  
think i am the same as him  
Ever  
Im studying  
Enjoy your party.  
[11:50]

 

 **Lils  
** NO FULL STOPS  
Sev  
Severus  
You’re my friend Sev  
Please dont be mad  
[11:51]

 

 **Lils  
** U know what fine  
Be mad that i have friends who arent you  
At least i can smile at people without scaring them off  
At least i can be nice to people  
Least people think i have a fuckin working shower  
You dont get to decide my life for me  
Pisser  
[11:57]

 

xxxXxxx

 

_[Conversation between Romulus and Lils]_

  


**Romulus  
** Lily?  
Liiiiiilllllyyyyy?  
You okay?  
You disappeared  
Everyone is pouting  
Well  
James and Siri  
Petey is facefirst in his chips and cheese and gravy  
[12:05]

 

 **Lils  
** Lol poor petey  
U not saving him from drowning?  
Or…. can he still drown if its chips  
[12:07]

 

 **Romulus  
** You know  
Don’t actually know  
I prodded him  
He’s breathing  
All good.  
But smmmooooooth avoidance of my question there  
You oka  
*okay?  
[12:09]

 

 **Lils  
** I am a smooth operator  
Ye and no  
Just me and a frend  
We do this shit someties  
Sometimes  
Well he does  
And i get all sad about it for no fuckin reason  
Well some reason  
And then i dont get really like  
Fun? Cause i dont feel fun and thats not on u guys  
Plus thnk i overdid it on the beer there  
Got a bit queasy  
[12:12]

 

 **Romulus  
** :/  
What shit?  
That’s not fair making you sad tho  
Like  
I know me and the lads rip the shite out of each other but like  
If we made each other legitimately sad  
I think someone would commit murder  
Or you know  
Violently force an apology but whatevs  
And  
For a first proper meeting I thought you were fun :)  
So did Pete before… well. Gravygate  
[12:13]

 

 **LIls  
** Aw  
Thanks, Rem  
I swear my running off to the bog is not down to you  
I loved meeting you and i love the friendship u guys have  
But i spose i made a mistake of texting that other friend  
Wanting him to join the fun  
Thinking about him, about his interests, wanting to reach out  
Amazing how much one conversation can sober u up right?  
Made the mistake of letting him know i was out with u guys  
So thats it for me today  
[12:15]

 

 **Romulus  
** Oh  
Wait  
OOOOHHHHH right  
Our mutual connection  
I’m sorry he made you sad  
I mean  
I don’t want to put foot in mouth  
so probs the less said about that the better right?  
I won’t tell the lads because that’s just asking for it RN  
But  
Do you want me to walk you home?  
0% chance of drunken fondling and/or declarations of love  
Will beat up anyone who dicks you about though.  
Maybe. If I can aim straight.  
[12:17]

 

 **Lils  
** My knight in shining armour  
<3  
Would love for that if the boys can spare u  
I know leatherbound doesnt like letting u out his sight  
But i promise to return u in good nic  
Tho i wouldnt say no to declarations of love right now tbh  
Fondling i can do without  
Talk about aiming straight drunk guys always manage catch a nipple  
U know that?  
Idjits  
Hurts for ages  
[12:18]

 

 **Romulus  
** W O  W  
You know no, I didn’t

And that is an image I will carry with me re: James forever wowww  
Siri will be fine  
He is…  
You know  
I don’t even know what he’s doing tbh  
It looks like it’s supposed to be pool  
But I think it’s turning into jousting  
[12:20]

 

 **Lils  
** LOL  
You have a good one there i think  
But no actually James didn’t touch he just leered  
I mean they are impressive no doubt  
But he could have complimented my eyes  
I think i have nice eyes, no?  
I like them  
[12:22]

 

 **Romulus  
** They are very pretty  
Spring leaves after the rain  
James… is an imbecile sometimes  
Mostly when pissed  
But has more redeeming qualities I think  
He just… Idk i mean  
His parents are old and stinking rich  
We went to an all-boys private school  
I legit don’t think he knows how to… woman.  
At all.  
I won’t tell u to like him because i’m enjoyin watching him fuck about too much  
But I’ll tell you better stories about him  
Times when he’s pretty much saved my life  
And give you a more rounded pic before he inevitably twats it up again  
Now stop hiding in the ladies ffs  
I might be gay but also they won’t let me in  
[12:25]

 

 **Lils  
** Wow u are a poet  
Im sure u know it  
But thanks i look forward to james stories  
When we are both much much sober  
I think ud make a pretty lady tho  
U’d look good in heels  
Bet u got the legs for it  
……  
Jfc ok coming out  
I clearly need coffee  
[12:27]

 

 **Romulus  
** I’ll have you know  
I look glorious in heels  
Also become 6’7 giant  
Tho not actually ladied up  
Was a dare  
And I was a gazelle I tell you  
A GAZELLE  
[12:30]

 

 **Lils  
** Stop making me yearn in my ladybits  
U absolute tease  
But u must tell me of this dare too  
And maybe we can get james in on it someday  
Maybe  
You know  
Casual like  
Where are you?  
[12:32]

 

 **Romulus  
** Out the front  
Cig o’clock  
C’mon princess  
Lets get you back to your tower  
Sure your ladybits will survive dear god  
And I might tell you about the dare  
if you manage to smile at least 3 times on the way  
[12:35]

 

 **Lils  
** Mebbe i will  
Mebbe i wont  
Also  
I see u, ruffian.  
[12:35]

  


xxxXxxx

 

_[Fido has renamed the group “Remus’ Intervention”]_

 

 **Romulus  
** What  
Wait what?  
Why are we intervening? What have I done?  
Not done?  
[10:45]

 

 **Jamjar  
** Look it’s like this  
We can’t help but notice that…  
Er…  
Sirius? You wanna take the lead here?  
[10:46]

 

 **PewPew  
** Cowaaard  
[10:46]

 

 **Fido  
** OK RIGHT  
Remus  
What the fuck is wrong with you  
You look miserable as shit  
No-one can get into ur room  
No-one has seen u in 2 days  
Cmon  
[10:48]

 

 **Jamjar  
** Exactly  
And like  
You’ve been slamming doors nd shit  
I can hear u from my room all the fuckin time  
[10:50]

 

 **PewPew  
** Rite  
Were jus worried ok?  
[10:51]

 

 **Romulus  
** Look it’s nothing  
I’m dealing with it  
[10:53]

 

 **Fido  
** B U L L S H I T  
[10:54]

 

 **Romulus  
** Drop it.  
All of you.  
I can’t talk about it okay?  
[10:55]

 

 **PewPew  
** But  
We tell evrythin  
Dont do secrets, Rem  
[10:56]

 

 **Fido  
** Damn fucking right Petey  
We don’t do secrets  
That’s not how the Marauders work  
[10:58]

 

 **Jamjar  
** Is it…  
Ur mum n dad?  
[11:00]

 

 **Romulus  
** JESUS, no.  
I just  
A friend has been upset by someone  
And there’s nothing I can do  
And it’s making me feel shit okay?  
That’s it. No parental units involved.  
[11:01]

 

 **Fido  
** Remus  
No offence but since when do you have other friends?  
[11:03]

 

 **Romulus  
** Oh fucking WOW  
Fuck you, Sirius  
[11:05]

 

 **Jamjar  
** Bit far, mate  
[11:05]

 

 **Fido  
** No  
Not a bit far  
We’ve lived in each others pockets for 8 yrs  
Dont fucking think I don’t no ir friends list inside out  
[11:07]

 

 **Romulus  
** That is creepy as shit Sirius  
Get a life, fucking god damn  
[11:08]

 

 **PewPew  
** Hes rite thpo like  
I no basicly evry1  
N no dramas goin dwn rite nw  
[11:08]

 

 **Romulus  
** Yes well  
Clearly you’re wrong  
And you’re not all as smart as you think you are  
So kindly  
Get rammed.  
[11:09]

 

 **Jamjar  
** Wait  
Wait wait wait  
[11:10]

 

 **Fido  
** In suspense u tosser  
[11:11]

 

**PewPew**

[11:11]

 

 **Romulus  
** Yes o’ wise one  
Can we get on with it  
Some of us have work to do  
[11:12]

 

 **Jamjar  
** You’re talking about lily aren’t you  
[11:13]

 

 **Romulus  
** Astute of you, James  
Didn’t notice when she stopped talking the other day?  
Nah?  
Claim to fancy her, do you?  
Definitely paying attention.  
She’s a lovely girl  
She doesn’t deserve your shit  
She’s got enough of it okay  
[11:14]

 

 **Jamjar  
** Lily’s sad?  
[11:14]

 

 **Romulus  
** YES  
Fucking 100 points to Gryffindor  
Lily is, indeed, sad  
I promised to keep it a secret  
And it’s pissed me off okay?  
All of it pisses me off.  
[11:15]

 

 **PewPew  
** Onli 2 ppl piss u off liek this  
Ur dad  
[11:16]

 

 **Fido  
** N fucking SNIVELLUS  
[11:16]

 

 **Romulus  
** Its precisely none of your business Sirius  
And YOU, James  
Don’t fucking get involved  
Especially if you want to keep her as a friend  
Let alone anything else  
[11:18]

 

 **Romulus  
** JAMes  
RESPOND  
[11:20]

 

 **Jamjar  
** I’m here  
I just  
I dunno what to do  
[11:21]

 

 **Romulus  
** Not your fight James  
[11:22]

 

 **Jamjar  
** I no  
But  
I hate the thought of her sad  
Because of that fuckin slimy snake  
[11:24]

 

 **PewPew  
** Snakes rnt actully slimy btw  
[11:26]

 

 **Fido  
** Not nw Pete  
Remus u cant sit on this  
[11:27]

 

 **Romulus  
** Look I don’t know all the ins and outs  
Just when we were out  
She looked sad  
She explained she’d had a fight  
And she was pissed as a fart  
So I walked her home to get some rest  
I said I’d keep it a secret and Ive said way more than I should  
So  
Can you just, for once, be fucking chill?  
[11:29]

 

 **Fido  
** Fine  
Remus, a word. In person.  
[11:30]

 

 **Romulus  
** Make it quick  
Need to get on with my work  
And if it’s histrionics I’m not interested  
[11:31]

 

 **PewPew  
** On that nore, off the library  
Cba with mre drama  
[11:32]

 

 **Jamjar  
** I just  
I wish i could make things not hurt for her  
U kno?  
[11:34]

 

 **Romulus  
** Start by actually caring about HER, James  
That might get you off to a better start  
Bye Pete  
[11:35] 

 **Romulus  
** Fucking hell sirius I can hear you  
Stop banging my door in  
[11:36]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (day drinking is very common in UK unis, mostly because we can drink from age 18 onwards and are therefore able to drown our educational and social sorrows at every damn opportunity. 
> 
> Day drinking can also be done at - midday BBQs, park parties, and in the pleasure of your own house)
> 
> ~ Daggers x


	7. Absolutely, Positively, a Non-Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which James manages to human accurately, and the Marauders are about as supportive as one might imagine.

__

_ _

 

 

 

_ [Conversation between JamJar and Lilybomb] _

 

  
  


**JamJar**  
Hi Lily  
U okay?  
Been a while since the great daydrunk pissup  
of October 2018  
(12:43)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Yeah sorry  
Not been feeling that tickety boo of late  
But I’m fine!  
How’s motley crew?  
(12:43)

 

**JamJar  
** Shit, sorry 2 hear  
Anythin James fleamont potter can do?  
I mean  
If it's essays ur shit out of luck  
Bcus I'm up 2 my fucking neck  
:’) :’)  
Thryre grand  
Sirius bday next week tho wtf hes 19  
Oldest of us  
But most childish I STG   
(12:44)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Fleamont?  
Ur middle name is actually Fleamont?  
Plz say yes  
Also yay birthday! I love birthdays  
Especially alcoholic ones   
(12:45)

 

**JamJar  
** Oi!  
I am many things  
But a liar is not one of them  
Its my dad's name  
Its a family thing  
His middle name is charlus after his dad  
And if I ever have kids  
My progeny would have James as a middle name  
And YES it's why i was messaging  
Well  
Sirius has… birthday issues  
(12:47)   
  


**Lilybomb  
** He does? Oh no  
Also i am VERY sad your middle name aint fleamont  
I mean it suits you very well  
Flea - tiny, bouncing thing that tends to annoy ppl  
Mont - similar to mong  
Sorted   
(12:47)

 

**JamJar  
** No I mean it IS  
And  
Could u poss not use mong  
Been used against remus b4 and idk  
It makes me squirrelly whenever I hear it  
Its just a thing i have  
But yes Sirius had a shit home life  
Bdays were just a tool used against him  
He's nobility don't u know  
They're not all good posh camp people  
His r a particularly special brand of  
Fucking awful tbh  
So we throw him all the kiddy bday parties he missed out on  
I found an adult like.. Idk what they're called  
Play zone thing  
Ball pools  
Inflatable obstacle courses  
U know what I mean?   
(12:50)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Word stricken from the record  
Replaced with Mont = Moddlyattractive  
Also Sirius being nobility this is all  
Like  
I mean it makes sense cause u all went to that school  
Posh one  
With sev  
But he does not scream money. Figures tho  
I will be happy to help throw any surprises you need  
Or like… disrupt and distract  
I think im good at that   
(12:52)

 

**JamJar  
** Thanks :) appreciate it  
N I’ll take moderate anyday tbh hahahaha ;)  
WELL I mean  
Hes sort of been… disinherited?  
When he was 16  
Turns out the nobility don’t have much time for  
Anything oher than cis-het, obedient  
Utterly fuckin miserable kids  
So  
He moved in w/me, chucked off the chance 2 be an earl  
My mum n dad r older nd stg they like him more than they like me now  
Only ever had 1 kid  
So like havin 4 of us round all the time in hols n that  
They love it  
Like  
LOVE.IT  
A house full is their absolute dream   
(12:53)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Yeah I actually cant see leatherbound as obedient  
And certainly not straight  
That must have been fuckin hard for him  
But im glad that your family welcomed him in  
Also  
Not surprised your fam like him more than u tho  
I mean  
He has this charm offensive thing going on  
Heir apparent in the streets  
Dastardly in the sheets  
Or something  
Also he has sweet style  
You gonna pop out loadsa kids for em thn?   
(12:54)

 

**JamJar  
** LOLOLOLOL  
Say it to his face he hates bein ‘nobility’    
Great when u feel like bein a windup merchant  
But yeah nah  
Hes loyal tho to those that matter  
Tbh it never bothered me  
Always wanted a brother or sister u no?  
But wasnt gonna happen  
Mum was like  
44 when she got pregnant, 45 when she had me  
Im a menopause baby swear to fucking god    
but Sirius fit that gap  
N kids like idk  
Not my call is it  
Not on my own neway  
Itd be hers too yknow?  
But more than 1  
1 is lonely  
1 is spoilt to shit  
And 1 knows it too tbh   
(12:56)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Wow! That’s so nice about your mum  
I mean, no idea what its like bein menopause baby  
But i imagine she’s got a shit ton of wisdom  
And a great woman’s intuition  
Regarding le one baby  
You speakin from experience there, jam-jam? ;-)    
(12:56)

 

**JamJar  
** Honest?  
She is probably the best woman i kno  
Shes a dragon  
But so fuckin smart  
She pushed me  
Dad was the spoiler  
Like mum always joked  
Dad looks imposing but it’s her u gotta watch out for  
Its super obvious who wears the trousers lmao  
but  
Like u never knew me at Hogwarts  
If u think im bad now  
Just ask the lads  
I was fuckin P R E C I O U S   
(12:57)

 

**Lilybomb  
** O i plan on asking the lads  
Dont u worry  
Remus has already offered to tell me all ur stories  
I’m eagerly awaiting the back history of James Potterino  
I went to a girls’ school so i kinda get the private thang  
But my sister was there, she was 2 years ahead  
Always wanted to be head girl, got her prefects badge  
Then when i ended up being head girl when she left OH MAN  
Fuckin ragin  
I mean i wasn’t precious or owt but petti was pettY and  
Yeah that’s a whole other thing   
(12:58)

 

**JamJar  
** Ofc he fuckin has  
Traitor to the cause  
It makes me sound evil omfg  
I was just like  
Idk  
Popularity came easy to me cus my family r well known in poshboy circles  
Well kinda  
Dad helped set up The Body Shop  
Hes a trichologist so he made all their haircare  
But we were already involved in politics  
My grandad was neway after the war  
Its how i no sirius  
My gran was one of his great aunts (i think fuck it)  
But dad didn’t want the peerage n that  
So he decided ‘Fuck it Ill become a glorified hairdresser’  
Done alrite tho with it  
N as for ur sister  
That makes NO SENSE why isnt she proud of u  
She shud be?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
All girls school eh? ;-)  
(13:00)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Child!  
Yes all girls  
And yes sister is a pain in my arse  
Think she hated it when i was head girl cause of mum  
My rents were really proud of me and pet got all “should be me”  
“I’m older”  
Went off and married some fucktard and lives in surrey  
Only be a matter of time before she produces an entitled sproglet  
(13:01)

  
  


**JamJar  
** Shit  
Im really sorry  
Cant imagine wht it must be like  
Glad ur parents r supportive :)  
Poor surrey tho  
What did it do to deserve ur sister if shes such a miserable hag?!  
Its funny  
No-one i no has a functional family  
Makes me sad u no?  
Like i wanna adopt everyone n have a commune in the barn conversion at my house  
Where we can all b happy n not worry about the shit were related to  
N mum can show us how to garden  
Cus ive no fuckin clue tbh   
(13:03)

 

**Lilybomb  
** That is the hippiest and most maternal thing  
I’ve ever seen a guy write  
Like ur the daddy of the community  
Not in a ‘daddy!’ way  
Just  
Forget i mentioned that  
But like it’s sweet you’re so paternal  
I dont know anyone who’s had a normal family life  
Even the most normal ones have had some shit too  
I mean my family are ‘normal’ tbh  
And we’ve had some shit happen with petti and stuff  
Not as much as one of my friends like  
But it’s just  
Idk  
WAY TO BRING IT DOWN LILS  
Jfc  
So sirius is gonna be old  
And he’s a scorpio  
Go figure   
(13:05)

 

**JamJar  
** I may or may not have been called a mother hen  
More than once  
*cough*  
YES now we have both thoroughly depressed ourselves  
SIRIUS  
So the biggest issue is getting him there without him knowing  
N we’re all coming up empty because  
It’s a train and a bus away  
N what u mean by that?!  
I not up to date with that horoscope shit   
(13:05)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Where the hell are you having the party?!  
Also scorpios are all dark and mysterious  
But fiercely passionate  
Normally rebels in some way  
Normally bi as fuuuuck too cause they love to love  
Not afraid of sexuality  
What sign are you, pots?  
Wait lemme guess…  
Virgo, le virgin  
Or a fire sign! Like Leo or Aries   
(13:06)

 

**JamJar  
** Hahaha well that’s basically sirius SO  
And  
Uh  
Well  
Whatever 27th of March makes me???   
(13:06)

 

**Lilybomb  
** ARIES  
Ha  
I was right  
You’re headstrong, impulsive  
Normally don’t think about what ur gonna say  
Can be awkward with emotions  
Like you know  
Talking to someone’s tits instead of their face    
(13:07)

  
  


**JamJar  
** IT WAS ONE TIME AND I WAS DRUNK  
But ok fair play I do chat shit  
Siri is worse tho  
And I don’t think im awkward  
Am i awkward?  
EXISTENTIAL ANGST    
(13:07)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Maybe you are? Idk you well enough  
But maybe that’s on me  
Maybe i should know u better  
Since we just told each other how shit are families can be lol  
Well… not shit but our hardships  
For the record, i am just windin u up about the boob sisters  
They are mighty fine and i know ur just a boy  
With a penis  
And u cant help urself   
(13:08)

  
  


**JamJar  
** I am awesome you absolutely want to know me  
And sharing is caring  
Im a pretty open book  
U ask  
There not much I wont answer tbh  
Look there is no way for me to answer that without sounding like a creep SO  
Here’s where were going for siri’s bday  
[ https://www.inflatanation.com/parties-and-groups/adults-parties/   
](https://www.inflatanation.com/parties-and-groups/adults-parties/) (13:09)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Aries also = arrogant af  
;-)  
INFLATABLE BALLS  
YES  
IM IN   
(13:09)

 

**JamJar  
** I AM NOT INSULTED I AM GREAT HONEST  
AND YOU CAN HAVE PARTY FOOD AFTER  
I booked it for a private party  
Theres me Rem, pete, siri  
You  
A lass called marlene me n siri know from home  
Gid and Fab who we grew up with n went to school with  
And Frank and Alice  
Frank went to Hogwarts with us too but theyre at uni in Manchester  
Then i figured we could go out on the piss afterwards in Manc town  
Frank said we can crash at their house n train home the next day  
If ur ok with that I mean  
Lots of ppl u don’t no   
(13:11)

 

**Lilybomb  
** I’ll know pete, u, siri and remus  
That’ll be enough  
And honestly i am not above going somewhere and hiding  
If things get too peopley  
I mean i like people but i also dont like people  
Its something that comes with too much alcohol  
Sorry for bailing the other night btw, well.  
Few weeks ago  
Wasnt a comment on your company i swear   
(13:12)

 

**JamJar  
** Is ok  
Remus implied  
But i didnt wanna say anything bcus  
Id end up opening my mouth and inserting my foot  
But there anythin I cn do?  
Or us?  
We can assist with revenge if needed?  
And also  
Wait  
IS OUR COMPANY MORE THAN TOLERABLE?  
ARE WE WINNING?!    
(13:13)

 

**Lilybomb  
** omG you’re incorrigable  
But yes you and your foursome are sweet  
You made me laugh shitloads  
But clearly u all need a womans touch  
Cause u lads are too like… laddy  
But no thank u theres nothing much u can do  
Its just how me and sev are sometimes  
Known him since i was a wee bairn  
He had a tough time but we got on well  
Now its just difficult sometimes   
(13:15)

 

**JamJar**  
It’s all bants ;) hahhahaha  
Ah. Yes. Him.  
That tool.  
Saying were blood-sworn enemies feels like its too much  
But  
Me and snape have been at odds since we walked into school  
So my sympathy is at best fucking minimal for him  
If he gonna behave in a twatbaggish manner  
Then he deserves what he gets  
Hes always been toxic as shit with us  
So its hard for me to offer advice and stay objective  
When what id really like to do  
Is boobytrap his bedroom door  
And douse him in red/gold acrylic paint   
(13:16)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Wait  
Red and gold  
Was that ur house colours?!  
Cause that explains SO MUCH  
I wore a red and gold dress once to a party and  
He glared daggers at me all eve  
Said id look better in green  
Like he wears anythin else we’d look like kelp together  
But yeah i do know what u mean about him  
He is quite complicated  
Not sure what hes gonna turn out like tbh  
But i still cant abandon him you know?  
Not when ive known him so long   
(13:18)

 

**JamJar  
** Yeahhhh!  
And not gonna lie  
That hatred mite b bcus it was sort of our calling card  
We were not subtle  
But yeah we were red and gold  
His house green and silver  
One was blue and bronze and the 4th gold and black  
Ngl they looked like bumblebees  
Hahahahahahahah kelp  
N ok this is my only totally unsolicited advice  
But  
U dont have to keep toxic ppl in ur life just cus uve got a history  
Talk to sirius n remus abt that  
They can tell u a lot  
Plz dont trhow jager over me    
(13:20)

 

**Lilybomb  
** I know what u mean  
I do  
Thats why i dont talk to my sister anymore  
But  
Nvm  
No jager i swear  
For the record i rocked the red and gold dress  
Might wear it at leatherbound’s party   
(13:20)

  
  


**JamJar  
** Hmmmmmmm squirrelly lilyflower is squirrelly  
but  
PLEASE DO  
For the good of my health ;)  
But also  
If u spam it on facebook and insta  
Might be ur own petty revenge  
U kno?   
(13:21)

 

**Lilybomb  
** I know u want to help  
Truly i do  
But its not that easy with Sev  
He was the first person to see something in me  
Back when we were little  
That nobody had ever seen before, and he told me  
So i have a lot to thank him for in that way  
Not in his debt or anything, fuck no  
Saved that boy’s skinny arse more times  
But i know somewhere in there he’s a good kid  
I dont ever wanna hurt anyone  
Lifes too short for that  
Well apart from fuckers that deserve it   
(13:22)

 

**JamJar  
** N that’s great  
Not knocking it  
But  
Dont hurt urself for the sake of someone  
Who got no qualms bout hurting u  
Ur just doubling down on it then  
I dunno all thats gone down  
N not gonna ask   
But theres a line u kno?  
Dont let ppl take u for granted  
Thats not hurtin people  
Its selfcare  
That btw is euphemia potter wisdom   
(13:24)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Euphemia  
My god  
Your family is full of the names right?!  
To be fair i know why he was such a dick to u guys  
He’s told me stories over the years  
But u’d have to torture me to get that info ;-)  
Whereas for stories on YOUR good self  
I simply have to walk to Remus’ abode  
And gently knock on the door  
And say “hey rem u kno james, the cunt? Yeah him”  
“Can u tell me more about how he likes to wear ladies undies plz”  
And he will gladly illustrate to me  
All the various designs and poses james likes to wear   
(13:26)

 

**JamJar  
** Lily  
If u think mine r weird  
Sirius has 3 cousins called narcissa, bellatrix and andromeda  
Narcissa is married to a bloke called lucius  
And andromeda has a kid called nymphadora  
His uncle he still talks to is called Alphard  
His mum is called WALBURGA  
Seriously  
Im not kidding  
Also GASP  
How did u kno about my ladies underwear fetish? That was a secret between me and remus  
  
(13:27)

 

**JamJar  
** Ps. the good kind of torture right? ;)    
(13:27)

  
  


**Lilybomb  
** And here i was thinking petunia was fuckin weird  
Oh god  
POSH NAMES POSH NAMES  
Theyre not right in head they are  
Fancy growing up with a name like narcissa or nymphadora  
Nympho  
Also remy loves me so there  
…. U are a helpless flirt mr potter  
Depends how skilled a torturer you are   
(13:29)

 

**JamJar  
** THEY ARE ARENT THEY?  
The bullyin is goin to be so real i feel so sorry for her  
Shes got her name down for beauxbaton’s in france  
Its a posh girls school  
Im hopin it won’t be the weirdest there poor kid  
N i’m hopeless for u lily  
And u’d have to find out for urself - cant be one to brag  
Not polite  
(13:30)

 

**Lilybomb  
** Well i dunno about hopeless for me  
But just plain hopeless ;-)  
My kids will never have to worry about such names  
They will have good, solid names  
None of that fannying about  
Ermintrude or grizabella hundabunk  
Maudelynn Woefungal  
Wellysnot Perkins  
Any of that    
(13:31)

 

**JamJar  
** Lily  
Shall i get down on bended knee?  
Offer u serenades?  
Ill do it  
And my great-grandad was called Harold  
But everyone called him harry  
And there’s a Henry in there too  
So I mean  
There are some good ones to pick from ;)    
(13:31)

  
  


**Lilybomb  
** Ey up sunshine no proposals yet  
Havent even seen if ur any good at kissing  
Girl’s gotta know  
But serenades would be hilarious, please get notes from remus  
Or even leatherbound  
I would love to see that group effort  
Henry is a great name  
I like Harry too  
Most of the people in my family  
Cause we were midlands  
Were all jack and horace and shit  
But i like how u think my belly fruit will be from your loins!   
(13:33)

 

**JamJar  
** What can I say?  
Im an optimist ;)  
But an optimist who is going to be late as shit for a lecture  
You are the very best kind of distraction, lilyflower    
(13:34)

 

**Lilybomb  
** I sure am :)  
Message me when ur done  
I wanna get some coffee from the SU  
Dont fancy going alone   
(13:34)

 

**JamJar  
** Be out at 3  
Meet u outside blackwells at 10past?  
:)   
(13:35)

 

**Lilybomb  
** I’ll be waiting  
Don be late   
(13:35)

  
  
  


* * *

xxxXxxx

* * *

 

 

_ [JamJar has renamed the group ‘Don’t Panic’] _

 

**JamJar  
** Guys    
(13:35)

 

**JamJar  
** Guys?   
(13:35)

 

**JamJar  
** GUYS    
GUYS   
GUYS   
GUYS    
(13:36)

 

**PewPew  
** Fucckoff potter wots ur ptoblem   
(13:36)

 

**Romulus  
** Seconded  
Seriously, it’s a busy day  
I’m in a seminar    
(13:36)

 

**Fido  
** Mate im rehearsing  
WHAT    
(13:36)

 

**JamJar  
** Wow  
Rnt u all sunshine and daisies today  
I just had news thats all   
(13:37)

 

**Romulus  
** Is it news that can wait?  
Because my lecturer is glaring at everyone  
And it’s my phone that is buzzing    
(13:37)

 

**Fido  
** Haha  
Bzzzz bzzzzzzzz    
(13:38)

 

**Romulus  
** Concentrate on your guitar, dickhead  
It’s not going to play itself    
(13:38)

 

**JamJar  
** OH FUCK YOU ALL  
I HAVE A SORT-OF DATE WITH LILY  
TODAY  
AFTER MY LECTURE    
(13:38)

 

**PewPew  
** O well dun captain capslock  
*slow clap*  
Wht did u do 2 hr to convinc her  
Drug her water supply or summat   
(13:39)

 

**Fido  
** HAHA yeah of course you do  
Because thats 100% happening  
‘Sort of date’ my fucking arse    
(13:39)

 

**Romulus  
** I do not believe you even for a second  
I’m gonna text her, brb   
(13:39)

 

**JamJar  
** U do that    
(13:40)

 

**JamJar  
** Tick tock tick tock    
(13:42)

 

**Romulus  
** Well  
Apart from her being adamant it isn’t a date  
You are, in fact, meeting Lily for coffee after lectures  
I…  
I don’t know what to think about this tbh.    
(13:43)

 

**Fido  
** NOOOOOO  
MY LOVE  
MY SONNETS    
(13:43)

 

**PewPew  
** Well  
Nw the dramas over  
Moff back to my computerlab  
Bye dickheads    
(13:44)

 

**JamJar  
** W o w  
Ur all so supportive    
(13:44)

 

**Fido**   
Fucking SORRY   
Njoy ur not-date dickhead    
Try not 2 fuck it up totally   
(13:45)   
  


**Romulus**   
What he said   
You’ll be fine James   
Remember what I said, okay?   
(13:45)

 

**JamJar**   
Yea yea yea   
Talk to face not to tits   
Actual human   
IM AWARE OK   
I love how u all think so lowly of me   
(13:46)  


 

**Romulus**   
We just KNOW you, James   
You don’t usually intentionally do daft shit   
But my god does it happen anyway   
(13:46)  


 

**Fido  
** Ye basically   
U’ll b right    
Just b the good u, u kno?    
B the guy that looks after migraine remuuuu and tutors firsties because he loves physics   
Not the 1 that proposes 2 tits   
(13:47)

 

**JamJar**   
Ok   
Ok im off to lecture   
See u lot tonite    
Love u dickheads   
(13:48)

**Fido  
** Love u too ballsack   
(13:49) 

  
  
**Romulus**   
  
(13:49)

  
  
**PewPew**   
Ye ye ye    
Sunshine n daisys 4 all   
Go do sum fuckin work u lazy cunts  
(13:50)

  
  


  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this delightful insight!   
> To come: Sirius' birthday, and more drama. Colour you fucking shocked, right? 
> 
> Lots of love, SD and MM xxx


End file.
